![Logo by [AD]Svhunk](FINAL.jpg)
|
|
Part I of ...
I stepped off the jet into a cool, humid breeze. At first I thought it was the Seattle air, but after inspecting my surroundings I discovered that it was the cute blonde stewardess I had been eyeing the whole flight up, blowing me a kiss. After a brief tryst, I got into the limousine sent for me and let the driver (Yahn, it said so on his nametag) know that an extra fifteen quid would be his if he didn't spare the buggy whip. Moments later, we pulled up to the towering Valve Software Building in downtown Seattle, and I made like I didn't notice when my chauffeur protested after not getting a penny. It's so easy to exploit the simple folk, it almost shames me.
Immediately, I was escorted by a bikini-clad exec* to the immaculate penthouse, where row upon row of giant monitors and high-powered computers were staffed by diligent coders, furiously typing away. A supervisor strode throughout the room, casually inquiring as the progress of the multiplayer code or some of the game models. Everyone had a smile on their face, and each workstation was amply provided with large amounts of brain food (blueberry muffins, popcorn, and Jolt cola). A large screen on one wall read, "3 Days Ahead of Schedule", with a giant timer ticking down the days, hours, and minutes. I was, of course, awed by this model of utopian efficiency, and I asked my guide whether TF2 would be released on time if work continued at this rate.
"Oh, you silly boy, these are the Half Life coders. TF2 production takes place in here."
She opened the door to the broom closet. A cloud of cigarette smoke burst forth from the doorway, and after the thick haze subsided, I was able to discern several figures crammed into the tiny space, slumped over what looked to be 486s (I can just tell these things). The executive delivered a savage kick to the side of one man, doubling him over, and lifted his head up by what little hair was left -- most of it was gathered in a circle under his chair. She spat out an order to get back to work if he valued the lives of his wife and children. When notified that he had no wife or children, she knocked him behind the ear with a blackjack and signalled one of the attendants to put the man in solitary until he learned to behave.
Smoothing down her hair, she turned to me again, all smiles, and said, "Ian always was a poor worker. Hopefully he'll learn his lesson."
I laughed nervously, fingering the stun gun in my pocket. I wasn't going to take any chances.
I asked Sergeant Svelte to leave us so I could actually see some of this game I've been hearing so much about. The employees were reduced to quivering masses of jelly in her presence, so obviously we could get more done while she wasn't giving everyone the evil eye (or evil foot, whichever she decides). I turned over a mop bucket and kicked aside the decaying corpse of Damian Scott so I could have a seat next to Robin and see exactly what he was doing. I wasn't going to go near John, as he had smeared his own feces all over himself and trembled like a sick dog; but thankfully, Robin was halfway coherent now, and could give me the lowdown on what exactly they had been working on all this time.
He booted up the game from Windows 3.11 (these computer geniuses can make anything happen) and started a new level. The intro movie was quite breathtaking -- unlike the Quake2 introduction, the TF2 initiate is placed in a Tijuana opium den and watches the image change palettes for about ten minutes. The modeling and cinematics is superb in this segment; one part which struck me as particularly stunning was a repeated jump from fluorescent pink to orange and back, which left me with my jaw dragging on the floor (not that strange since the bucket was about a foot off the ground). There was a smooth transition to a briefing room, where we first meet the main guide in your journey to become a combat-hardened veteran -- a holographic Yoda dressed in battle armor, complete with puppeteer. Of course, there are the customary Star Wars takeoffs which are unsuitable for print, but the little guy was moderately entertaining considering his voice was done by Ben Stein.
Now that the "Jedi Training" item was checked off on my profile (no joke), Robin gave me the controls and I was able to enter the single player level dedicated to the tutorial. I was expecting some sort of training area filled with knock-over targets and sandbagged fortifications, but was disappointed to find that it was nothing more than a converted schoolroom filled with middle-aged, overweight thrillseekers and pimpled adolescents. I took the only seat remaining and waited for fifteen minutes until the trainer walked in the room, stubbed out his cigarette, and started reading off a clipboard in a monotone. It was hard to place the voice at first, but after a few minutes, I recognized it as Ben Stein's again. Gudlyf did a good job of changing it though, he almost fooled me.
After a long legal spiel on how by entering the Team Fortress 2 Battlegrounds (no relation to the website), I relinquished any and all rights to claim injury blah blah blah if you've ever played paintball you know the drill. All this time, of course, his mouth movements matched his speech perfectly, and the other NPCs in the room nodded off just like real people would.
Keep in mind, all this was running on a 486 -- I'm almost positive -- with 8 MB RAM at somewhere around 30 fps. In a five year old version of Windows. Quite impressive, considering the many different character models and high-quality textures on the levels.
At this point I was tiring of the tutorial, so I exited. With the click of a button, a multiplayer server was selected for me automatically. I was "born" in a dark corner of the map (apparently they use this term for more realism -- everyone knows you just don't "spawn"). I was then given a menu to select a class, as long as I had completed all necessary prerequisites less than one year ago or taken the placement exam that semester.
Fortunately, I was able to go through and play all the TF2 classes, but only a few of them were interesting enough to mention, so I'll just tell you about those.
You know I had to pick this one first. I wanted to see what they did with my baby.
Overall, I like the changes. Instead of a spanner, engineers now carry huge 20 hp drill motors with a little tool belt full of attachments (doesn't he sound cute?). Now sentry guns go up in seconds instead of that agonizingly long process we had to go through before. The wonders of technology, eh?
Engineers can also build cameras, ranging from cheap disposable models that botch half the photos taken (just like in real life!) to full-fledged video cameras that track the fighting and have a neat little wiper on the lens (à la the headlights on Mercedes and Saab sedans) to wipe off the blood when things get nasty.
Again, the use of holograms is interesting. Before building the new and improved sentry gun, you place a hologram so you can see how it will look, whether it will fit in the space you've selected, or if you think the color matches the decor, etc. Most of the maps have that gritty, industrial / military feel to them, so more likely than not this gritty, industrial / military object will fit in just fine. You never know, though. That's why it's there. I received this exclusive screenshot of the hologram, never before seen, in the mail from a source requesting not to be named.
Cool tip: swing the hologram around like a muscleman, you'll look like quite the athletic chum ... or you can pretend like you're coming at someone with it, just swing it right through their head and everything -- it'll scare the crap out of 'em! Hahahaha!!! You'll be the life of the team barbecue.
Oh, and I think they made some changes to the sentry gun, or something, but they're not anything spectacular. You can wait.
There's nothing really special about this class other than the model. You can see his hair waving in the wind as his disembodied head floats by on a cushion of air. Whoa.
I think this class gets the game's "Most Fun to Dick Around With" award. The first time I saw the RPG fired, I almost blew a gasket laughing. I just wanted to scream, "Hey, man, ease up on those burritos! You almost killed a guy standing behind you when you let that one rip!" Or maybe, "Did anyone step on a rocket-propelled grenade?" Perhaps even the classic "You've got hot lethal gas spewing out your rear end! Should we prepare for any incoming projectiles??" I think we'll be hearing a lot of that. I'm already working on a config that will bind these to one of my mouse buttons.
Of course, now that rocket-jumping is out of the game due to realism factors, a lot of people are kind of miffed. Don't worry, my friends -- what they have neglected to tell you is that the rocket infantry now wears a McDonnel-Douglas R2000 Prototype Jetpack that will allow him to fly around the level for hours on end, often performing intricate aerial acrobatics that will stop entire battles due to their extraordinary maneuvering capabilities. I predict that squads of players will form aerobatic teams and perform for the great pleasure of old ladies and small children on live TV.
Then again, judging by some of the names clans have given themselves, it would be an 18 and over show ...
At this point, Robin started coughing up blood; thankfully, I managed to convince the "bad man with the whip" (as he is referred to) that he needed medical assistance. I stuffed a fistful of cotton down his throat to stop the bleeding, and forced him to proceed.
One of the most hated classes of the first Team Fortress game, it is destined to become even more so. The programmers have given him several new abilities that make him an even bigger source of frustration for low-bandwidth connections:
Plus, he's got this really ugly face, so you want to reach over and gouge out his eyes with your thumbnail anyway. Getting killed by such a goon just makes it worse.
However, the sniper's biggest enemy (not the spy, you twit ... it's the other team's sniper) has also been beefed up, so maybe it won't be so bad for us common folk scurrying around below.
Well, I think I've got enough for today, don't you? Yes, plenty. Check back soon for some map reviews and an update on Robin's tuberculosis case.
I will also be doing a Q & A section -- if you would like more info regarding TF2 that was not included in today's segment or any other segment, I will conclude this series by dedicating one update to answering any questions sent in by readers. Please mail them here.
* I later discovered that this was Lisa
Mennet, but I was too
lazy to work it in anywhere other than what
I've done here.