Illegitimi non Carborundum

Bad taste eh? Well watch THIS! -- Moirarty

Clinton was walking around the white house with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit."

Oh sheesh...that stuff kills me.

Well Mythias' copy of HoTMetaL Pro expired so we're going to Defcon 3. Trying our best to get him updating again...

Before I forget, I'm still having email troubles. Please send all email to [email protected]

I don't have much to say today because I've been putting my heart and soul into the Canalzone guide and school (in that order). I'm just REALLY impressed with what the team has put out. I can't wait until you guys can see this. It may overwhelm you at first but like any map you have to take it slowly.

For those of you who do know the map, you'll know what I'm talking about now. Recently I've really been into sniping on CZ, even though I'm a really bad sport, get plugged constantly, and then type something like "aosjf aslja;sl eifj a;selifj ;alksdj ;aowiej f" just because anything else would be uncivilized, though I do "slip" once in a while. However, I have an absolute BLAST sniping on this map. If you're a successful sniper on this map, I have a great deal of respect for you. You actually have to be GOOD at sniping to succeed. I was talking with Ramirez and just telling him how much I enjoy this map. It's like a work of art. Gameplay is like wet ice on wet ice (i.e. smooth). I can't get enough! At least when I'm winning. But sniping on 2forts disgusts me now. Not really much skill involved once you get the basics down pat. If you're a diehard 2forts sniper and you get to know Canalzone, your entire experience will be pretty much worthless. You have to have imagination. You have to be cunning, swift, and cruel. It's not a match of ping, or raw skill. It's a match of wits. I have a great time slaughtering the newer players, and thinking I'm soooo awesome...but then Mithrandir or Soulyss hops on and I'm nothing more than a fine red mist that stings the eyes of the players who walk through it. Cool, but not too fun on my end.

I would like to see nothing more than Canalzone played more often. If I had to choose two maps, and one of them had to be 2forts (hehe, no getting around that), then they would be 2forts and, you guessed it, canalzone. I'm not going to stop ranting and raving about it until you show me you like this map. So, if you're wanting some original commentary here, fill up the proving grounds. The IP's there. Use it.

Oh, and one last thing: to the gimp posting on our board under the stupid nick, I have something to say. One, comparing the posting of cheat information on the web to the posting of recipies for bombs, drugs, and so forth are two wholly different ballparks. It's going to take a lot more for a guy to bomb a cop car than it is for him to cheat. All he has to do is download it and run it -- totally anonymous and zero chance of getting arrested. Bombing a car, on the other hand (or being gay, or whatever nonsequitur examples you gave), takes a lot more and has more serious consequences. And don't read anything into that. I'm just saying it takes a lot more than reading gay pr0n on the net to be gay (his example, not mine).

So: you go posting cheating info on your page, then it's WRONG. Because it's doing nothing but destroying the game. This doesn't involve "free speech" or "censorship." Keeping cheat stuff off the net is not denying your right to free speech. But using and distributing cheats is denying OUR right to play the game we paid for on an even playing field.

This brings up another topic. I was informed several days ago that Rain has released previous cheating info on his RA show. I find this unacceptable, and I'm going to take him to task on it. This is absolutely WRONG, no two ways about it. Personally I can't believe he had the gall to do something like this. Most likely I was pretty naïve in that respect. But, I guess I expected more from a prominent member of the community. Yes, naïve is the word. What was I thinking?

He has also passed some serious charges on regarding TF 2.8 and Clan Braveheart. Personally, what he's saying is so absolutely absurd that I'm inclined to think it's just something to stir up trouble. It seems as if it's worked. Rain maintains that Gudlyf[BH] has implemented secret features in the update to the code that will give clan BH (or whoever knows the "secrets") certain advantages. Now, I'm not going to say much on this, and leave it up to you to decide. Of course I'm assuming you know how to use reason...maybe I'm going out on a limb. You know the character of Kinlord, Gudlyf, and the rest of BH. (If you don't, you can take my personal guarantee, along with about half of the rest of the community, people who know them well). You know what they have done for the game in general. You know their record. You know their code of ethics. You know that something like this is entirely below anybody that values the integrity of the game as much as each and every one of us does -- and especially so among people who have taken such an outspoken stand on cheaters. Levelling such malicious accusations as these should be regarded as nothing more than the acts of a desparate and riot-inciting newshound. Personally I find this sort of thing disgusting. If you can't find news to report, you sure as hell cannot kill a few hundred people so you can have a story.

Defend your actions Rain. Show us that this was all a mistake, and that what you were doing was a drug-induced fantasy. Post on the message board if you have to, I certainly hope no one goes to your page to listen to that stuff.

Whew....and I thought I wouldn't be saying much tonight.

Schtuff -- Moirarty

Fixed the fonts section. If you were never able to download the fonts before, they are now in .zip format for your downloading pleasure. If you don't have any of the fonts, get them, they're cool and they make the page look much better. Like, with this kinda sweet-batootie medieval motif.

Incidentally I just found out that I had 50 or so emails sitting on my server while I couldn't find a decent email client (still looking, I'm using 2 copies of Eudora Light for 2 email addresses). So, if you sent some mail in the past couple of days, be patient, I will get to it.

Mars Attacks -- Mortiartie

Well things are going well, except that Mythias hasn't updated in a while. I was mistaken in telling you all that he was out of town. Apparently my source was misinformed by another misinformed source. Sorry Myth.

As far as the Canalzone Project, we're finally getting some tangible results. Things are coming together nicely and I expect that you all will be pleased with what we put out. Ramirez is now fiddling around with us and correcting my manifold mistakes, which I appreciate. Better to be made a fool of instead of one bloke instead of hundreds.

I have this problem with Gayspy and I don't know what the deal is. After I play on a couple different servers, I will refresh and then start QW; but when the client starts, I get the prompt with the line "Type connect <IP> or connect using Gamespy" as if I had started qwcl.exe without Gayspy. If I try typing "connect pliers.bu.edu:27500" or "connect 123.456.789.012:27500" it locks. Anyone know what the deuce is going on? I don't want to have to reinstall or anything.

"Good morning. My name is Stuart Farkhar, and -- "
"Stupid what?"

I noticed over at Blue's that there was a short RA commentary from NPR on being a pacifist and loving Quake at the same time. Of course, this was centered around deathmatch, but I think the point carries for the TF crowd. Apart from his description of the game, which I liked, he made an important point. Now I'm not going to quote him but he said, in short, that you can't judge people by the things they do for fun. Now that made me think -- a lot of times I find myself disguising the truth when someone asks me, "So what have you been up to lately?" For some reason no one is very impressed when I say, "Well, not too much, mostly wasting away in front of my computer attempting to make daily updates to my webpage." I guess I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, because I think I (along with everyone else) projects a very different image in real life than what we do online (except maybe Mr. Potatohead). In this pseudo-society of ours, isn't it strange how priorities are rearranged? And isn't it strange how there are only like, three girls? [The Quake scene is a pretty good idea of what the world would've been like if God stopped with Adam.] We're all tucked in our little nook of the online world. Just think of how few of us there are, and how close-knit this whole group is. I have no idea what the total population of the US or the world in general has an internet connection, but let's just say at most twenty percent for USA and Canada. Of those people with a connection, approximately 1% of them play online games (this from 3Fingers' Guide). Of those, only a small percentage are regular Quake/QuakeII players. Now, of that the TF community makes up 50% or less of the players. Is that tiny or what? Yet to us this little corner of cyberspace (maybe paralleling a lone molecule in the vast desolation of space) is everything. We express surprise when we meet someone online and they have never heard of Keeg's Fortress or the TF Newswire or ETF. It's incomprehensible! "Where have you been?" we ask. (Funny that's coming from the same type of people who missed the Gulf War because we had to beat that insolent little gimp trying to steal our top spot on our favorite server.) This situation just amazes me. To you and me, this is our world. To the rest of them, it's just one more conglomeration of geeks and invalids, glued to our computer screens and spending ungodly amounts of money (or in my case, money I don't have) to boost our framerate or bandwidth.

'Scuse me -- while I kick your face

Speaking of ungodly, does anyone else think this movie, "City of Angels," a totally blatant insult to any person who ever believed in God? Give me a break. Some angel falls in love with a human, renounces eternal perfection and incorruptibility just so he can become solid and bang her. I'm sorry, but this disgusts me. Have a little respect eh? That's what I get for admiring someone in Hollywood. Thought Nick Cage was a class act, but he had to go and disprove me. (Remember that thing with Gwyneth? I never learn.) Moral: never consider anyone in Hollywood worthy of praise. Except Jack Nicholson. No matter what he does, he's always cool.

Picked up the newest Dave Matthews Band CD and gave it a listen. Needless to say, I think the web spooners should band together and declare the last song on the CD, "Spoon," to be our theme song. Or maybe, make it a prerequisite for the spoonscrim to own this CD, whether you like it or not.

Waking up is hard to do -- Moriarty

After a hearty four hours' sleep I was roused for church with an icecube to the back. What cruel, merciless parents I have.

Naturally I was very ill disposed to being cheerful. After we got home I sulked and spread my misery around. After being rebuffed from the kitchen despite the food cooking I headed downstairs to console myself with gratuitous violence and listening to 13 year old children swearing like sailors. You know if I ever learn how to work with graphics I think I will make a TF skin for each member of my family. Talk about satisfying! Then in some wacked outfantasy I would give my friends a bunch of pre-worked binds that correspond to my family's favorite sayings in real life, get in a game with them, and blow them away! I'm sure it's healthier than harboring my resentment inside until it explodes and I commit a murder-suicide or something. This would be excellent for Quake2 as I could even make player models. Though I would have to disable that "taunt" feature as seeing my mother/sister do that sort of thing would not be good for my mental health.

So, back to my point. I'm enjoying a good game on BH public (where else? No one ever plays on my other favorite servers) for a good couple of hours, and after I take off, I mess around on the net for a while. Incidentally, to those who were in the game, I would've stayed longer, but I was sitting in this very uncomfortable folding chair and my butt hurt. Pretty soon I get this notice from "ODC" stating that I was in violation of some obscure internet code. Anyone ever hear of the ODC? Apparently it stands for "Online Deregulation Commission" but is commonly referred to as "Obsequious* Donut Consumers" (i.e. cybercops). But what got my attention was "400ms ping in a 250ms ping zone." I was shocked. I had never heard of such a law! Apparently my ping was to high for the traffic involved and that I was obstructing the smooth flow of information along the route I was using. Get this: I was fined fifty-five pounds (25 pounds for exceeding the limit, and 10 more for each 50ms I further exceeded it).

Uh... I said pounds instead of dollars. Good God, what is wrong with me?*

Anyway I was forced to allow them access to my computer, where they grabbed my passport photo as a mugshot (I always smile for mugshots anyway), withdrew the intended amoung from my account, and left this nasty little program on my hard drive (thankfully not a virus) to further insult and berate* me. Thankfully I got away with little more than this indignified punishment which will soon be easily forgotten. Needless to say I will be conscious of the effect my slow connection has on the smooth flow others and certainly advise our readers to be aware of this little known agency which, in my opinion, is much more insufferable* than the regular traffic cop.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you good evening.

* Family note: please don't let on, but for your sake we must warn you. Nick has lived, breathed, and slept Pride and Prejudice for the last few days in order to finish it by the end of the weekend. Consequently we are all being driven mad with his strangely stiff and formal manners, in combination with the incredibly awkward and silly vocabulary Miss Austen felt compelled to use, and that he has accordingly absorbed. He is driven on saving up for a horse and stable and riding about the neighborhood in breeches and a stovepipe hat. Please be patient with him, and do not let words such as "insufferable" and "inducement" to annoy you as much as they have us; surely it will wear off soon enough. We just hope he doesn't go watching Pauly Shore movies anytime soon as he is especially impressionable these days.

I hereby deny and forget... -- Moriarty

This site does NOT condone drug use. You have to admit, though, that today's quote is pretty insightful.

Nothing to chat about other than that I've completed yet another installment of The Institute which I like to think you all enjoy reading. Please check it out here. The reason it took me exactly 2 months to do this was because I couldn't decide if I should write a particular sound as "FWOCK" or "PHWOCK." I chose the latter and I think you will appreciate the great deal of prayer and medication (or is that meditation?) I put into this.

It's 3 a.m. and that's the best excuse I could come up with.

If you haven't been following along, the new public test for the .ent update of Canalzone is now running exclusively on the Proving Grounds, whose IP is posted above (24/7 Canalzone). Please check it out and send all comments here.

The list of changes so far, which Ramirez has been so kind to post on the message board:

• Capturing a command point now gives the flag runner 2 frags (note that the Proving Grounds normally runs in whatever the mode is called that doesn't show individual frags, just team score, so this won't show on the server mentioned in Postalworker's message)
• Command points now have names as well as numbers, and touching a command point tells you which one it is:
  • CP1 Blue Warehouse
  • CP2 Arch Room
  • CP3 Library
  • CP4 Small Warehouse
  • CP5 Fountain
  • CP6 Balcony
  • CP7 Boathouse
  • CP8 Red Warehouse
• CP capture messages now have the players name and cp name attached
• When a team controls all 8 command points, an endgame sequence is started... the losing team's base doors open up every 10 seconds, allowing the winning team the opportunity to carry a command marker into the enemy base and finish the game... if the winning team fails to take the enemy base in 3 minutes, all command points are reset and the game continues...
• If a spy gets into the enemy command center, he can open all enemy doors by touching the wall map... works once every 10 seconds
• Base doors now open only when touched directly and close much more quickly
• Player can no longer detpack their own base (they can't take detpacks into the room)
• Yellow armor in bases changed to red armor that can't be used by the enemy
• Backpack above cp6 now works for both teams, instead of just for blue
• Med packs now available in blue warehouse to match those in red warehouse
• Extra ammo boxes placed here and there
• Resupply packs now give out lollypops to kids

So there you have it. The map is much improved and more newbie-friendly if you ask me.

Have to wake up for church in about 5 hours. Yipee.

Applebee's -- Moriarty

Mythias and I are going to have to work things out as far as the update schedule. I put up that huge update after the fool hadn't done a thing for a week, and then immediately afterwards he posts his. Not good. Mythias hasn't been updating because I gave him a righteously harsh e-beating (he told everyone he had to go out of town) so I'm sure that things will be straightened out soon. I hate it when he sulks.

As for spooning...well I won't go there. I was kind of miffed because getting called a "pimp" was the only reason I ever started this page. Quite a promotion from my previous nicknames.

Does it seem like I'm hard on Mythias? If so I give you permission to call him "Judy."

Things are looking up with the Canalzone Project. We are meeting tonight on a private server to test a couple of things <ahem> and then finally get around to working on the strategy guide as a team. I really can't wait to get cracking on this project. It will be a blast.

As far as the huge argument taking place over on Brimstone, BRING IT OVER HERE!! Heh. Seriously, I think the whole thing is moot. FORGET about TF2; sitting there and dwelling on it, complaining, guessing, estimating, prophesying, and claiming "inside sources" will only lead to more argument and more dissention. For Pete's sake, what a monstrous waste of time! I don't even read any of that stuff any more, whether I know the guy who posts it or not. It's just one big BACK and FORTH and BACK and FORTH. I guess if instead of appreciating what you have been given (yes, GIVEN) you feel as if you have to wildly censure and cuss out every party even remotely involved in the delay of your birthright (i.e. to get TF2 by the end of May), I guess that's your business. Meanwhile I'm going to have a hard time keeping a straight face.

I'm just looking at the area below the logo, and it's all cluttered again. I'll have to do something about that. Funny how clutter bothers me in every place but where I live. You should see my computer desk right now. Not messy, but then not neat either. But then again it's where I get all my ideas.

Take for instance the Bic pen sitting here. To the common mind, it appears to be merely a writing utensil. However, to ME, it is much more. I see a jaw exerciser (ever chew on a pen?). I see a potentially deadly weapon (ever see Grosse Point Blank?). I see a method of taunting my sister. I see the last vital component in what some future scientist will use to complete his Time Machine (hey, Marty McFly's ran on garbage!).

OK maybe that's not so weird. Let me look around for something that really makes me think.

Headphones. Broken gamepads. Floppies. That stupid Bic pen again. A stapler (yay sCary!). College applications. Miscellaneous garbage my father likes to print out to appear important. More floppies. Stacks of useless computer books (the top one says "DOS 5.0"). That damn Bic pen now in the garbage can. Low quality microphone. Post-it notes.

Hey! Post-it notes! Nothing more interesting than Post-it notes!

You ever covered a whole wall with Post-it notes, arranged like shingles? That looks really neat. Next time I'm going to try some different patterns.

<total silence in the audience>

What the HELL am I talking about?! This isn't interesting!

If the degree of interest this update sparks was proportional to the length of time I sat here, drumming my fingers on the desk, and trying to think up something interesting, then this would be the most popular webpage out there.

Okay I can't deceive you all any longer.

I'm under a lot of pressure here, guys. See, maybe you all noticed that Mythias' little update a couple days ago about "spooning." Apparently this touched a nerve among all the news p1mps out there (did I miss something in that update?) so that they thought it appropriate to praise Mythias for his insight and splatter a link to the Citadel all over the place. Now, that was done by no less than 4 major news sites in the course of two days, and for that we must say "thank you." Your position in the Citadel Hotlink file will always be preserved. :) But that puts me under pressure! I had no idea that Mythias would be able to handle the people like this, and in comparison my skills at PR are apparently quite inferior. Mythias is gone and I've got to do it all myself...I've got to impress all these folks now, people that I never knew read the page. I don't really give a fig leaf about the common folk, but my fellow nobles are a picky sort. They have the power to make or break us.

And I have stage fright coming out my ears.

You should see it. I'm really pathetic. Stretched out in front of the comptuer at 10:30 a.m. in my pajamas. Hair looking a lot like those Japanese anime people SS likes so much. :) And I'm being exhibited in front of everyone like I'm the main attraction at the freak show! (or is that just Mythias?) I hope you all feel very sorry for me.

At any rate, now I feel very self-conscious, so if I'm not funny, blame it on that.

On a lighter note I'm going to Italy in May.

There's another thing that I wanted to comment on -- lamers on the BH public server. This morning I logged on under an alias for my alias and followed some people around as inconspicuously as possible. Of course I caught the idiots in their antagonistic teamkilling and friendlysentryblamming (something which especially tugged at my heartstrings) and with no mercy kicked the foul demonspawn with a righteous warcry. I will have to bind a key to it. Anyway I just have to say that after the uproar several members of the community have made regarding this, I must say that BH public does indeed seem worse lately. Not to say that they caused it, but that I had not noticed it until they brought it up -- pings are bad lately, my ISP's backbone keeps getting h4x0r3d. But I am glad that I was able to catch the fools in the act and eject the scum from the game. From then on they feared the name of Sm -- whoops. I almost gave it away. :) I'll just say you'll know it when you see me...

This update took all day. Kept coming back and fixing things. Finally got it up at 4:20. Hope you like it.

And Deadpool, if you ever call me Mort, I will become very, very angry.

Straight from Webster's mouth -- [ Mythias ]

pimp (pimp), n. 1. a person, esp a man, who solicits customers for a prostitute or a brothel, usually in return for a share of the earnings; procurer. 2. a despicable person.

I have seen many of my webby brothers referred to as pimps, or webpimps, or the infamous p1mp. That is both inaccurate and offensive. I for one do not care to be known as a pimp. "Mythias is pimping over at the Citadel", sounds like I'm trying to draw a crowd in here to sleep with my sister. Well my sister doesn't do that, people. Stop asking me about her.

I can see how pimp could be used in this context, people who write for webpages. We try to solicit customers (hits) for our page and promote its well-being, but we don't get anything in return. We don't command hordes of nasty hookers to give out to our readers (except maybe Sentinel, I think I read that he was going to buy everyone hookers at AssFest '98, so he can be called a pimp.) We ask for no payment and nothing in return for our services. WE ARE NOT PIMPS!

I don't really know what else we should be called though, but pimps is not it. Let us think for a moment...

I don't know about other sites, but here at The Citadel we are authors. We author. We create. We don't regurgitate. We write to entertain, and occasionally, to inform. We could be called opinionated reporters, but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as pimp. Hmmm..

Spoon. Now that has a good ring to it. "Mythias is spooning over at The Citadel." I think I like that. I spoon. We spoon. You are spooned. Yes!

I take my spoon in my hand, and with it scoop out the insides of my imagination and splatter them onto the page. I think it fits nicely. Spooners are we.

If anyone has a better idea, feel free to let me know. But from this day forward, I shall SPOON!

Long winded, again -- Moriarty

Well there have been some interesting things going on lately so I thought I'd pull a double update and crank yet another commentary out.

[BTW it seems my email link on the sidebard was b0rk3d. Fixed now.]

First of all I'd like to start an argument. I picked this little ditty up off the latest U.S. News and World Report in response to an article written earlier this month regarding the "F" word:

"It's good to see another shocked recoiling from the use of the 'F' word. This attitude preserves the sanctity of the most powerful, richest, and most versatile word in English. In the Second World War an airman skinned his knuckle on a wrench and threw it down uttering a five-word sentence, four of which were the 'F' word, each used as a different part of speech: 'F---! F--- this f---in' f---!' The first is an interjection, the second a verb, the third an adjective, and the fourth a noun. One capable of such compact linguistic virtuosity is a literary genius to be applauded, not muzzled."

-- Kane McAdams
Scituate, Mass.

Now I'm not totally sure what to think. I've always been taught that slipping into such language was a sign of lack of intelligence or a small vocabulary, though I do succumb to it myself sometimes (e.g. not being able to connect to a TF server). The argument that being able to create such variation from just one word was actually genius, well, that kind of threw a wrench in the works for me. Now I bring this up because in my case online "swearing" is much more common than real life. It's quite a bit harder to write without the f-word than to talk without it if you are accustomed to using it.

So what do you think? Is the above example a show of "linguistic virtuosity" or unimaginative pewp? (Potato, I want YOUR take on this!)

I just noticed that this was from a Scotsman living in Massachusetts. Relative of yours Kinlord?

Speaking of the F-word:

Sentinel over at Brimstone Keep brought up an interesting point regarding the choices TFS has for TF2 engines. Now he claims that he has done some research into the game engines -- if he did, that means he's got about 183% more credibility than me -- and that the Quake2 engine is not all it claimed to be. I am certainly delving into an area which I have no expertise but it is my understanding that Unreal is a long time in development...more than a year I hear? We've all been reading about the new Unreal developments but haven't seen squat, except for some screenshots. Personally I would much rather see TF2 made for an existing engine than waiting for "vaporware" (to use the BKP's own phrase) to be finished, tested, released, and THEN let TFS get to work! That's gonna be a lot more time in the scheme of things, and though I am perfectly satisfied with Team Fortress, if TF2 is going to come I want it before I leave home for college (August). That's looking less and less likely as time goes on, and it will be impossible if TFS decides to go with another engine (by their own choice or forced by iD). HOWEVER.

I've played as much Q2 as I ever want to, at least until my area gets some alternatives to ISDN. I have played rocket arena, Battle of the Sexes, capture the flag, and others, and each time I walk away frustrated with having a good game within reach but the massive stone wall of poor multiplayer code stands in my way. There is a great deal of excellent programming being done by a lot of creative programmers but it's all going to waste (for me) because of my inability to experience a good internet game. Do I really want TF2 to run on such an engine (assuming that the engine affects multiplayer)? I sure don't. Right now Quake2 is nothing but a frustration for me, and I don't want TF2 to be ruined by Quake2. I figure until the mutliplayer gets fixed, that is, if it's fixable, or I get ASDL, TF2 isn't a possibility for me.

Which, quite frankly, is fine with me. Team Fortress is STILL fun after all this time I've been playing it. Until something comes along that either supplants the Quake2 engine (Unreal? SiN? Daikatana?) or enables us poor folk to get a high-speed connection, the original Quake engine and its modifications are perfect fulfillment for me.

Wait a second. I'm poor? I'm supposed to be the lord of a fortress! You serfs had better put in 3 extra hours a day so I can afford to install my own fiber-optics. Pretty soon I'll make you find your own straw AND mud, and then triple your quotas. Lazy brutes.

If you ask me, any engine that can do something like this is the one for TF2:

That's Daikatana. That is some SERIOUS graphic work. WOW. I'd like to see the Sarge play with THAT puppy.

Anyway, just one last thing. Saw on Keeg's that checksumming will now check VIS info. That means if a server is running a GL-vis'ed map and you aren't, then you will have to download the GL map from the server. Same if the server's running non-GL and you have the GL version. Zoid thumbs his nose at every hardworking teenage kid that scraped and saved for his Voodoo card. I don't see why this has to be. Well, I guess it's not SO bad...non-GL users can run a GL-vis'ed map, right? I know there are some utilities that you can download which will vis every single map ever made for Quake (for instance the ID levels, dm1-6, many TF levels, and so forth). Here's hoping that we can still run GL-vis'ed maps.

If it comes to this I will post the link to this utility so you can update your maps instead of having to re-download them or re-vis them. I won't post it, just in case there is a problem and you will be forced to run one particular version of a map. I don't want you vising your maps and then having to reinstall Quake and redownload all your TF maps because of some stupid rule in QW.

Please check this link out for a very funny .plan update by Brian Hook. If at all possible, NEVER miss a Brian Hook .plan update.

S'all for now. Talk to you blokes later.

Weerd -- Moriarty

Looks like this weerd thing is really taking over.

As you can see the Citadel now has its own TF server courtesy of Mythias' employer, CDSNET (not to be confused with CTSNET, though they are both west coast). If you'll remember the original "mission statement" that I had up as the front page for a while, I renamed this site "The Citadel" to be a place where the best interests of all TF players would be ensured. Yes I've strayed from that theme a bit (Mythias made me do it! Honest! He wanted to talk about Clan Francisco!) but my intent is still the same. <insert more BS about cushy ethics and such self-serving blathering I'm [in]famous for>

At any rate Mythias is usually sitting at the console (being at work and all) and since I finally have [almost] complete control over a server I will be patrolling it as much as I can. To the rest of yas that gave me rcon to your servers, don't worry, I will still log on under a different moniker and put the fear of God in 'em. Nothing like The Console appearing out of nowhere and exacting swift and harsh justice to keep the fools on the right path, right?

BTW who gave you peasants permission to kill my message board? Get back to posting or I'll force you to make bricks with NO straw!!

It's taking ME over

In my config I have 'c' bound to the 'id' command. e is forward, d is back, s and f are strafe left and right, respectively. I just slide my middle finger down onto c and tap for a quick ID of the loser shooting me or the fool tripping along without a care in the world on a beeline for my gun.

Today I'm driving along in daddy's car (my cousin wrecked mine) and I hit the straightaway with the 35 speed limit and blackened asphalt from all the road hogs drag racing at 3 in the morning. I'm humming along to my Dave Matthews CD and got the windows cranked down and the sunroof wide open. My foot's feeling heavy and it's been a while since I blew the carbon out of the thing so I rev the engine and drop into first as I round the corner, slowing almost to a stop.

This will be Quake related in a second.

So I get around the corner, rev it up to about 4000rpm and pop the clutch. WOW that felt good. I'm screaming along at what feels like an incredible 45 miles per hour, and then someone decides to ruin my fun. A Honda CRX and some Subaru waste of tin turn right in front of me. The Honda's taking things a little too slow for the maniac in the Subaru so he gasses it (I can see the cloud of blue smoke funneling out the rear end) and tries to shoot around him. Of course nothing much happens and by the time he gets up along side the hatchback I would've been a mile ahead. Bleh.

Anyway I'm kind of miffed at this schliemel for ruining my day at the strip so I tailgate him for a while. No luck. I'm mad now. In my frustration, I'm tapping my hands on the steering wheel and saying to myself, "who is this idiot?"

Then I realized what I was doing. I was tapping my middle finger like it was on a keyboard, and it was looking for the 'c' key. I was trying to id the car in front of me. In my mind I was looking for the white text to pop up and tell me who was in that damned car! This was about as humiliating (internally) as going to school in my underwear.

I played WAY too much TF this weekend.

So, that's all my Quake stuff for today...now I guess I'll fill the rest in with cow hangnails and invisible goat "friends." I've been working something up for a couple weeks and I think you'll enjoy it.

Oh, did Mythias write about that already? Dang.

Yet again, weerdness abounds. -- [ Mythias ]

Well folks, here I am again. This weekend had been very busy for us at The Citadel, and we apologize for the lack of content the last two or three days. You see, our cow had to have a hangnail operated on and she needed us for moral support. She's very sensitive you know, especially after 'the incident'. My goat got loose one day and backed poor Bessy into a corner and had his way with her, if you know what I mean. My goat is quite the randy creature. He's been heard to remark, "Nothing tastes better than beef on a stick." I think we all know what he's talking about (at least I do, since nobody else seems to be able to hear him. I'm discussing it with my therapist.)

On a lighter note, Bessy is frolicking around again like her old self. That nasty hangnail operation went without a hitch, and the doctor is being treated to big wet cow kisses. I know, you say "Cows don't have toenails." Well mine does. I hammered them in myself. Seems to keep her in one place better than fencing, and its cheaper too. I've got the ASPCA in my back pocket, so don't bother calling some tree-hugging lawyer. Take a trip to a meat-packing plant one day and you'll come to realize this isn't really that bad.

TCP Knews -- [ Mythias ]

Well, we worked on the TCP somewhat this weekend. I've discovered an idea that will put the TF and the entire WWW community back on its heels, but I choose not to release the information due to security constraints. We ran around Canalzone like a group of freaked-out loonies and didn't get a whole lot done, but that's ok. I learned a valuable lesson. Don't keep your spare rockets in your pockets, they can spontaneously explode and then you're left with no balls, and that isn't very nice. We actually did get some things done, and will get more done next weekend when we all have some spare time to get together and frag each other. What a masterpiece this will be.

Clans suck -- [ Mythias ]

In my opinion, clans suck. At least the ones where everyone isn't really good friends with each other. I was in my first clan until this weekend, and I only talked to 2 or 3 guys out of it. For some unknown reason it disbanded, lack of organization obviously, and I couldn't be happier. I just want to play Quake. I just want to be Mythias, not [XX] Mythias or anything else. I want to be in a clan where I don't have to put anything on my name, and we play whenever we want to, and we're all really great people (you know who you are.) Such a thing would be rool (no I didn't misspell anything.) We would be Clan Francisco or something equally flippant and non-aggressive (no Clan Kick Your Frecking Arse or whatever.)

Putting up my own TF server should help alot. My friends and I can have a completely controlled environment to play in and talk and have strange sexual experiences with our weapons. Perhaps you can come visit us sometime. I will post the IP when its up and running, hopefully by this weekend (or even by the end of the day, who knows.)

You whining babies -- Moriarty

I was informed of the huge argument taking place over the concussion grenade which is being implemented in TF 2.8 beta this evening. If you'd like to read the opinions of various whiners, crybabies, and stick-in-the-muds please go to the TFBFP Homepage and read the message board.

Now as far as my opinion on this issue, I think it's DAMN GOOD. I tolerated the poor connection this morning and hopped on the BH test server at Gudlyf's request (not really, I don't think he cared one way or the other, but it makes me feel good to say that. Work with me here). I concussioned myself several times. I walked around for a bit. Even with my 500 ping it was tolerable. Shouldn't say "tolerable," more like "good." I thought it was just fine. Scout's a little more powerful now. Fine with me, I've finally learned to deal with their speed. It adds a dimension to the game, and people are going to have to rethink some strategies. Again, fine with me. If you really want my opinion I think crap like Mega-TF is worse than the original game. It's changes within the game that tweak and restructure that will make it more interesting. The new concussion effect is just that. I have no problem with it. I encourage it. And just to be a jerk I'm going to petition Gudlyf to make it STRONGER and LONGER because right now I don't think it's powerful ENOUGH.

There, I said it! MAKE THE CONCUSSION GRENADE LONGER. Seriously. The effects dropped to absolutely nothing in what seemed like a couple seconds. If you ask me, if I get blown across a room by a grenade it's going to take me a lot longer than even 15-20 seconds to be able to walk around. Sorry but that's the way things are.

And no, I really don't think those people against the conc fix are whiners, etc. They're really closet cheaters, upset that they can't use that FOV thingamajigger. (Yeah that's YOU Rental!!)

Email address is posted for the mailbombers.

T-O-R-T-U-R-E spells relief -- Moriarty

Things have been going well. TCP is coming along nicely, we have a scrim scheduled for this weekend among our members for some strategy enactments. Maybe we'll record some demos, and at the beginning say in small print, "This is a reenactment of the actual slaughter of Clan Such-and-such"...

I'm pretty darn tired of the llamas out there. I think I need another round of torture ideas. Here we go:

• Staples through the fingernails (I mean ALL THE WAY through)
• Teeth on a grindstone (if preferred, you may extract them from the victim first)
• Permanent urinary catheder, to be removed and reinserted every hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
• Jagged suppository
• Tape open their eyelids and force them to watch Teletubbies for 3 weeks straight
• Give them a PII-400 with 256mb, 21" monitor, a T3 all to himself, his own server...and a broken mouse (well, that would be torture for ME)

AAAHHHHH.....that makes me feel much better. I hope it helps you too.

Like I said, good gnus

My good friend Postalworker (I don't even know the guy, but he's my good friend now!) has noticed the Canalzone frenzy here on the Citadel and has decided to resurrect his 24/7 ALL-CANALZONE SERVER! This is excellent. I hope everyone gives this guy a try. For those of you with webpages and want to support this guy, PLEASE post the server IP on your page CONSTANTLY. I get great pings here (and only 12 hops) so expect to see me on there a lot. Here's the Qplug:

Please do as much as you can to promote this server. Make it worth this man's while! It runs teamscores and teamplay 11 (full damage to teammates...at least I think that's what it is). Definitely the highest quality and like I said, expect to see Mythias and I there a lot.

MP3 barf

OK as you all know I'm nuts over MP3s now that I found www.scour.net. I have over 80 megabytes of the things already and downloading more as I type this. Well I have never been a big Sheryl Crow fan but I heard this song on the radio and I figger it's worth your time. The lyrics have a, um, "female" theme so it's not like I got this to send to my gay lover. (morifartty is a gay mnkey tawt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!) It's a great song, short, and a great song. Plus it's a really great song! Get it here if you have the Scour client. (entitled "Strong Enough") Maybe I could post a "Moriarty's Melody" every couple days.

Not much to say to you, sorry

Other than Someone's excellent comic, and a letter from TFS on the Tree, and Sailorscout's return (I'm sorry that's late, but I just wanted to welcome Mr. Anime back, as I know how absolutely frustrating being off the computer that long is), and

TCP -- Moriarty

Things have been moving rapidly with The Canalzone Project. Not going to give dates or promises but I think it will be ready much earlier than I first expected. So far on the team we have:

• Mythias (resident MB guru and working on the 2D map...damn he whips those boards out in no time)
• Deadpool (graphics p1mp, also coordinating with Mythias on the map)
• Ma$e (don't know, haven't heard to much from him, though his skillz with CGI and java have been recognized)
• [CG] Atomic Punk (strategies, moral support, hugs)
• Mithrandir (widely recognized canalzone freak)
• Matt, aka HellFace (pulling some serious strings, telling us what to do on the message boards)
• Moriarty (the guy who hasn't actually done anything yet but is making those tough, mind-tearing supervisory calls)

So there you have it, our crack canalzone team (and 5 out of 7 of them are M's, not bad). I must say the prospects are very high for this project and I am looking forward to having some serious strategy discussions with these tactical maniacs.

Since this will be taking up a great deal of Mythias' and I's time (that sounded strange...bad grammar tonight) less and less time will be able to be devoted to regular updates on this page. If you'd like to follow our progress or contribute some ideas (some excellent things have been mentioned by Commander Michl), please keep watch on the message board. I think it would be prudent to keep this project team as small as possible despite the massive amount of material we will be covering. We will be adding anywhere from 1 to 3 persons (if any) with a name starting with "M" to the team in order to help with the strategy parts, especially the scrimmage where we'll be putting our skillz to the test. An even number would be nice then. :)

Weerd -- Moriarty

You know how sCary has his little section called "Werd?" Well I ripped off something from Mythias and since it sounds like I'm imitating sCary I'll go with it. Always trying to keep myself as unoriginal as possible, you know that.

Well, with this being the THIRD time I've typed this update I'm about ready to tear my hear out. For some reason Father's wanting on the computer for something called "taxes," and seems to delight in crashing my HTML editor. I'm beginning to think he's intentionally computer-stupid just to see my blood pressure shoot off the charts. Sister is making some terrific noises she likes to call "music" on the piano (my heart goes out to it). I'm trying to finish some college admissions essays (still haven't applied...) and things are getting a bit "frustrating." Soon it's going to be a "madhouse" and I'll "be" the "head" loony.

"Catch" my "drift?"

Ready for a read?-- Moriarty

Heh anyone listen to Mancow this morning about 9 a.m. CST? What TV show was this Fishburne guy a slightly gay cowboy?

Oh well it's April 14th and I'm gonna start my taxes today. Lost my W2s and have been frantically searching for weeks...no dice. Damn I just turned 18 I don't want to go to jail!! Write those IRS coofs and let them know I was updating this page instead of working on my taxes.

If you've been following the very short thread in the Town Hall then you'd know that a very small group of canalzone-enthusiasts will be getting together to write up not an engineer-only strategy guide, but the most comprehensive and in-depth piece on canalzone ever written. We're talking maps, screenshots, diagrams, in-depth mutliple-player strategy...even a mapwide printable graphic that will allow you to have an instant reference while playing TF (I never did understand why Quake didn't have a mapping function like Doom or Duke3D). Maybe you all have noticed that my strategy section has not been updated in a LONG time, and this is something I want to discuss. Yay a TF-related topic! Incredible.

I'm sure most of you have read the latest post up on Brimstone by The Sentinel. In part I am in agreement with him, and I also agree (in part) with the things written up by Kinlord in response to it, both on the BK message board and the Clan Braveheart page. If you haven't already, go read them so you'll know what I'm talking about. Basically Sentinel says the community is dying and Kinlord says the community is not dying but has some major dizeazez. I agree that there are many problems right now with the game and I'm inclined to say that the cheating and such is the least of our worries. At least that is under control, or getting that way, with the TFBFP (see link above). Kinlord made the point that many of the second-generation players are not giving back what they have received. If there's one thing I learned in my many years as a Boy Scout is that the troop will die if all the older guys go through, get their awards, and leave, ignoring the plight of the first and second year kids that are left with no mentors. My age group was extremely lucky to have about 10 really great older guys who did a ton of work for the troop and made it one of the top ones in the Council. However, it's painfully obvious that these Scouts (myself included for a while there) would reap the benefits of the hard work and dedication that these original guys put into it, and then hightailed it out of there after they got their Eagle rank! It's sad because an Eagle Scout has the most influence among the younger members, and right now we are losing kids left and right because of the thirty-some-odd Eagles only four or five still remain. Right now my troop is going downhill and the major reason is that most of my group no longer shows their faces and does a thing to help.

Now I think it's obvious what I'm saying here. I see the exact same thing happening in TF and the future does not bode well. I did not realize the magnitude of this problem until Kinlord pointed it out (other than that writeup on "community" I posted a while back) mostly because there are much more obvious problems that are claiming our efforts. That is where Kinlord and I begin to disagree though -- because this the game is on its last legs despite the many newbies that hop in and try Team Fortress. That doesn't mean a big does of Cayenne and antibiotics can't revive it to its old glory, though I'm sure TF will never be what it was in the olden days. Anything is better than what we have now.

Back to the strategy page. (It relates, really.) After the big ruckus over Quake2 and TF2 the enthusiasm for TF died out a lot as I'm sure all of you know. Personally I was really down on TF for a while until I realized how worthless the Multiplayer on Q2 is, and then I realized that Quake is not dead, and never will be. At least not for many years to come. Hell there are still people playing Doom! Quake is classic and there will always be diehards. However I did not realize this fact when I decided to let my strategy section go. I figured, "why waste the time on a game that's going to die in a few months anyway?" That was in November and things are still the same. Therefore I figure it's high time to do something with that strategy section of mine and the perfect solution has been determined. a) it creates interest in the game again, and b) it contributes to the stranglehold 2forts has over us. If there was one map that would replace 2forts completely it would have to be canalzone.

CANAL ZONE

For those of you who haven't played this map, refuse to try it, or what have you, you are seriously missing out. Town4 is nothing compared to this map, and you all know what I think of town4. The architecture is incredible. Gameplay? Astounding. It's a revolutionary map, from the days when revolutionary maps were kinda-sorta looked at. It's way ahead of its time. I can honestly say it's the best map ever made. And it saddens me when I see the CTSNET All-Canalzone server empty most of the day. People are missing out on this experience, and it needs to be fixed. Hopefully this strategy guide will do something for that.

This map GROWS on you. I hated it at first. I liked 2forts. I played 2forts constantly. Town4? pshaw. Nothing else interested me. But then I began to get disgusted with the same-old same-old SAME-OLD. I had never considered CZ a decent map because a) it was old and b) it was WAAAYYY too complicated. I now know that these two factors are moot, and anyway, they're exactly what makes it a great TF map. (And no, this map is not that complicated. It will be even less complicated with the strategy guide.)

There was an all-canalzone tournament a while back called Zone Wars, and it flopped due to lack of interest. Personally I find it hilarious that there is all this screaming and yelling about the 2forts stranglehold (and personally I think the Apocalypse tourney is only worsening it) but when somebody actually does something about it, nothing happens. There are NO excuses this time, you fools. It was a well organized tournament. Several major clans were involved (BH was one I know that). It is played on a revolutionary map that has excellent gameplay and teamwork possibilities. And you idiots let it die worse than the teamscores campaign. "WAAAAHHHH I don't LIKE canalzone! That map's too hard! At least 2forts is EASY!" What a pathetic lot you are. If things are going to happen you have to give a little. Everybody can't have it their way. Just because your favorite map (or the map you made) didn't get picked for the tournament doesn't mean you should ignore it. Most likely the people who don't like canalzone took a 1-minute tour through the map and said "yikes." That's exactly what I did. But I was willing to learn, and try my hand at a new map that was impressive. Now, I love that map. I wish BH would put it in its rotation. I wish there would be more than 1 all-canalzone server. That's not realistic though, because whenever a server switches to canalzone the players leave quicker than cafeteria Catholics after communion (but that's a story for another day). Hopefully this strategy guide will help.

Right now I have Mythias and Mithrandir who are surely in on this project. As of now we are only taking applications for players whose name begins with "m" so we can name it the M&M&M&M Canalzone guide. hehe.

No, seriously. If you'd like to get in on this, maybe you have some graphics skills or some big ideas for in-depth canalzone strategy, please drop us a line and we'll see if you could help us out. Please people, take the chance to overthrow a tyrant. Do it for the game you love. Do it for the people who are dropping out of TF by the droves because they are TIRED of the SOS. Do it for the newbies coming in who play 2forts for a few weeks and get bored. But most of all, do it for yourself. There's no better reason than that, and you have no excuse not to better yourself. Unless you're some ultra-complacent couch potato with porridge for brains and strapped to the hospital bed. ("Sloth" from Seven comes to mind.)

We are taking action. To quote the Sentinel, "Stand with me, act your age, and we will become a voice in the 3D gamming community. Stay as you are, and become the next C&C. You're choice. But [The Citadel] has already made up it's mind."

Heh.

TFSL-- Moriarty

I have communicated with Scatterblak regarding the TFSL. Currently the man is working two jobs, 60 hours a week, one job in New York and the other in Tennessee. (well maybe not.) Needless to say things do not look bright -- but that doesn't mean there's no hope. The project can't go through without him, and believe me, the man would do it if he could. He told me that he is working on a commercial version of a similar thing to the TFV for a company and charging $30,000, so maybe you'll understand if he doesn't get right on it?

We ARE working things out, and we are NOT letting this go. However under request from several people I think it would be wise not to release any more information until there is a certainty that the TFSL will go through using the previous TFV code. Therefore you will not be hearing anything from me until this happens. Don't expect news. Be pessimistic. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised when it comes out.

And that's all I'll say on THAT.

This update seems long enough already so I'll go ahead and post it. Hope you enjoyed it. It seems like I haven't been this long-winded in ages.

Blessed be the Platypi !!! -- [ Mythias ]

In light of our recent religious enlightenment, we are celebrating the event of Post-afterwards-sorta-while-its-not-quite-Festivus Day. We are not allowed to broadcast or otherwise make known our personal or religious views. We are allowed only to drink Safeway Select Root Beer and eat Reeses' Peanut Butter Eggs and rejoice the coming of Platypus the Almighty who will liberate our downtrodden fellowship from the bitch-slappings of our tormentors, the Latter-Day Saints. Deep is the blood shed of our brethren at the hands of the evil Saints of the Latter Day. But, to say more would be to tarnish the meaning of the day and my belief in the Almighty Platypus. Fear not, my friends. We will return on the morrow bright and early with a nice happy update.

Until then, stay weerd!

Easter tradition my tail -- Moriarty

Do this every year. Much on jellybeans all day and get pukey before the big dinner. I guess I wouldn't be doing it if deep down in my perverted psyche I didn't enjoy it.

Couple things today: first of all I just wanted to shout about the clan I belong to in my own heart (mush), Clan Braveheart. They have shown their true worth in the recent Apocalypse tournament, though their reputation was well known prior to entering. Their current record is something like 4-1 or 5-1 with a loss only to -IC- and absolutely smashing clans such as OSKI, UVM, DoS, and Djedi. I must say that BH is a top notch clan with some great individual players and even greater teamwork. I know because I practiced with them for a while when I had time for a clan (well, that's questionable even then) and rarely was able to upgrade my sentry to level 3 let alone keep a detdisp going. Latta is here in my home town so naturally I am favorably disposed...great job guys. Keep slaughtering the soft Englishmen.

Secondly my homey Commander Michl has sent me a map called Obelisk. It gave me a good excuse to download GLQuake, so I revved up those 6MBs of pure pleasure and loaded up the map. It is very loosely based on 2forts but has a very interesting variation in that both bases are almost entirely visible from the other. In other words, a sniper heaven. However there are some refuges from the l/d death (I don't know if the sniper's range covers the whole map or not) so it's not a sniper war. There is an extensive network of tunnels underneath the bases as well. As noted by Spif over at the Newswire there is a lot of open area so you might have some trouble running it on a low end machine but mine ran decent on a P133 with 48MB (and of course that Pure3D helped I'm sure). All in all this map is a lot different, small (350K or less zipped), and well constructed though I don't look for things like misaligned textures and such when I examine a map. I would certainly like to have a game on this map sometime soon, maybe toss it up in your rotation/votemap Kinlord?

If you're interested you can download it here and read the readme here.

Off to the BH server for some fun. Just in case you don't know where the server is (it's only listed on 4-5 master servers) go ahead and check the "True TF" section, I have Qplug set up for the BH server. IP is listed there as well.

Spring cleaning, again -- Moriarty

I've gone and fixed things again.

• Links (Gatehouse) section updated. Added some, removed some. I still had one up for Bundy's Place. Added a misc section as well.
• About section updated a bit with a pic of moi, one of Mythias coming soon. (Monday?)
• Finally uploaded the rest of this site, including the Armory section and all the screenshots for the strategy guide. I have to get a better FTP program that allows me to transfer directories at a time...wait a sec, I do have one of those. I didn't realize it, which is why I put it off for so long.

So there you go. Looks all spiffy now. Site is complete.

On another note, HellFace has decided (under popular influence) to create a 2fort5 power map. Honestly, people did email him requesting another map! I was very surprised to hear this as generally Matt's maps are ignored. (That's for that snide little remark about this page on my FD profile.) Basically it's just an .ent update -- which means you don't have to even download a thing. It is a server-side only change, all you have to do is hop on a server that is running the .ent pack and you'll be able to have some fun, for once, on 2fort5. heh!

ICQ woes

OK this is just a quick rant. Nothing annoys me more than people who leave their computers while letting ICQ remain in "online" status. I send people messages and they don't respond while online, I feel put out regardless of whether or not I think they're not at their computer. There is one person on my contact list that does this a lot and I'M GETTING TIRED OF IT. </rude> Heh so please don't go to sleep with ICQ online....just bugs the hell out of me.

Speaking of ICQ I do need to clarify some things. Due to the nature of my online activity (9 times out of 10 I'm not supposed to be on the computer, I use a separate dialer to get on without the family's knowledge) I'm on and off ICQ quite a bit. Usually in the middle of conversations. Usually I don't have time to talk, I just get on to check my messages, email, etc., so if I seem a little cursory then please don't think me rude. I'm just trying to cut down on my online time just in case someone decides to call the downstairs line and gets a busy signal. The excuses "we were getting a fax" and "I was trying to call YOU!" only work so many times.

If you DO want to talk to me the sure time is Friday and Saturday nights till about 3 a.m. CST. Then I've checked all the news, played myself out on TF and Arena, and ready to shoot the breeze. Have to get that stuff out of my system, you know.

A decree from the Royal Court -- Mythias

The great Lord Moriarty has made a request of his Royal Herald. All who love MP3s must download the new version of his lauded MP3 searching program thing. You may find it HERE. I cannot vouch for its validity.. we hired folk just do what we're told.. "Scour this, scrub that, pluck that other thing.." Let me tell you, plucking is not a task I look forward to.

Eureka!

After long hours of research and study, I have found it. The source of The Sentinel's power.

Last night, after a fun game of bowling, I made my way down to the local Safeway to buy my brother some beer (yes I'm a bastard, but I'm a nice bastard) and saw there staring at me, a bottle of Guiness Extra Stout.

I had heard so much about this legendary ale that I had to buy me a couple pints. I took it home, cracked one open, and took a long drink. My god! This stuff is nasty.. what an aftertaste. Its a cross between beer and week-old coffee. I can see why it gets Sent drunk off of it so well.. he doesn't want to waste it, so he drinks down the foul-tasting concoction as fast as he can so he doesn't gag on the fumes.

This mystical brew has been manufactured in jolly ol' Dublin since 1759 by some wig-wearing lava weigler named Arthur Guinness. I have no idea how he came up with the idea for the nasty coffee-flavored aftertaste, but it must have been after a long night of whoring and booze. "Coffee and beer, what a great combination! I can get drunk and stay awake at the same time! W00p! Get over here, wench, and let me dive into your steamy jungle like a guerilla!" Regardless, he's dust by now, being dead since 1803.. and yet, I still make fun. Why? His lawyers are probably dead by now too.

But, on to the power. The Sentinel's great influence over the huddled masses stems from this draught's heady aroma and its robust flavor. How? Well, that is simple. He uses it do wash down the bitter taste of crack rock.

The time is near.. again.

What happened to all the message boards? In the course of a week, Keeg's and BKs boards have gone down. At least I assume BK's board has gone down.. I get a server full error every time I try to go to it.

Is this the work of our notorious serial server crasher? It certainly bears his mark. Our two main forums of discussion have been neutralized with nary a thought to the consequences.. it has forced us at The Citadel to put up our own twisted forum. The discussion about human sacrifice and cannibalism is a definite winner, and should change the way our government operates for all of time. I think its a good idea. Someone must have read Johnathon Swift's A Modest Proposal or something.. now THERE is a genius idea. Eat all those damned Irish babies! And while you're at it, eat the English babies too! Then perhaps we can stem off the population growth in those vermin-infested areas.

Think about it.. they're densely populated islands. There's nowhere for the rats to go. The rats have been breeding and populating and mutating since the days of the Bubonic Plague and have been concentrated in that geographical area for decades. It sickens me to imagine what would happen if someone were to become bitten by one of these mutant rodents. They might spread an epidemic across the face of the earth not conceptualized since The Stand. Well, I never go anywhere without my .45 caliber rat plinker so I'm not afraid.. but are you protected?

I have spawned a monster -- Moriarty

OK not to start an argument or nothing here (I usually leave religious issues off the page) but being Good Friday and all I gave up the computer (it's after midnight FYI)...I can say I will never do that again. This entire day was totally unproductive as I kept slapping myself for unwittingly walking near the computer.

Actually, not totally nonproductive as I have discovered (like I didn't know it before) that I am absolutely addicted to the computer. Now I'll have to wait another year to actually do something about it.

Looks like the message board has taken off quite nicely! Except for a few rebels it appears everyone is catering to my whims. That thread on "human sacrifice and cannibalism" is just hilarious...and I am inclined to agree since from an early age I was indoctrinated with this notion (from a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon, "Miss Wormwood, I would like to discuss whether or not we should not give leniency to cannibal murderers, since it's less wasteful.") Now just to see how long this lasts. I'll give thirty to one odds to anyone who thinks it will last longer than until Saturday night.

BO DEEDLE RANTITATES ABOUT NOTHING
<begin hoarse Brooklyn/Italian accent>

For the past couple of days I have been browsifying that news site often referred to as "Blue's News." (If you don't know where that is I'll slapify up your head ya moron.) So I go through and read all about the Quake news that Mr Blue decides to posterate on his page, and den I read the "Out of the Blue" section. Now not to rag on Blue (no pun intended) but it seems that all this man does is complainitate about his raunchy teeth that have to get fixitated almost every week by some overpriced dentist. Personally if a guy has that bad of teeth he needs to be doing a lot more than posting about it on his damned webpage! Like brushifating them three times a day like a good boy.

Blue has always specialified the Quake news in a way that made it very interesting to me...I just love that guy. But dammit someone go purchase that man a toothbrush and some floss.

<end hoarse Brooklyn/Italian accent>

Heh no idea where that came from, I've just been hearing that guy on the radio so much (Imus in the morning) that I had to write up a rant in his style.

Another thing that annoys me: I hop onto a favorite clan arena server (only after checking BH which was running border, BARF) and start fragging away at my usual slow rate. Then some wacko named Psychocindy hops on and starts a ruckus. She claims that the lightning gun and grenade launcher is "spam" (justifying that with "this is called rocket arena) and continuously requests admin rights on the server. Finally she loses interest and leaves. Then some idiot gets on and starts telling us we're all playing wrong. You see, you're "supposed to play on tp2 with 200 armor, no grenade launcher, and 100 health." I get seriously irked when some busybody hops on a server and dictates how each of us is supposed to play, especially when we all are in agreement with what is running. I tell him what I think of him, and how only presumptuous, egotistical 'shroom-heads dare to go around demanding server settings be changed on the spot. He said something like "well learn the game and then come talk to me" and at that point I was so disgusted that for the first time I wish I knew how to pingflood a person, or other such similar method of torture.

Fortunately I am a doofus in such matters and took it out on my keyboard after logging off the server.

This whole situation really gets to me because most likely I'm arguing with some total loser that spends all his time playing Quake and "teaching" others how to do it right. What a dickhead, I just want to think of ingenious methods of physical torture to inflict on these scrawny punks. Some ideas:

• Paper cuts on the eyeballs. Right on the iris.
• Big toes in c-clamps.
• Nipples in c-clamps. (ouch)
• Drown them in milk. Or feces.
• Delete all their pr0n.
• Repeated stabbings in the thigh with a serrated steak knife, then leave it in on the last one. Then make him do squats at gunpoint.
• Go to the high school football practice and have all the guys hock a nasty one into a cup, and force the victim to drink it. Preferably, let it cool so it goes down all cold and slimy. (actually saw a guy do this on a dare once)
• And the finale...Colombian necktie. Slit the guy's throat and reach your hand in, grab his tongue from the back of his throat, and yank it out for a kind of makeshift ascot. Vogue this time of year. Maybe avoid the major arteries and let him bleed to death slowly? (this is also useful if self-inflicted in times where you are caught without a necktie for a formal event)

Perhaps I should submit these to Carmack for possible incorporation into Quake3? Or maybe to TFS, I'm sure they could work the extra models and animations in. Heh I'd like to see the paper cut one...seriously though, the spy should be able to do the throat cut. Walk up behind a guy, wrap his arm around his neck, slit it, and then yank his tongue out through is throat. That would be the ultimate. I would pay $50 for a game that let me do that, as long as I could walk up to the body afterwards and watch the tongue twitch in postmortem spasms...

That's all fer tonight. It's 3 a.m. and you know Mythias needs to update again. That lazy sob! I think I'll fire him tomorrow.

They're coming -- Mythias

Well, he's done it again folks. Barney the Homophobic Dinosaur (aka Fat Dragon) has taken another victim. My niece Elizabeth has joined his evil cult and is now trekking across the continental U.S. to attend the National Barney Convention in Fargo, ND. This young, innocent 4 year old girl is one of the bravest and most disturbed I have ever had the chance to meet outside of watching X-Files. Barney has driven her to slaughter small woodland creatures for the pure pleasure of the act, and then roast them in the family's oven. My goodness, what an aroma! Please keep an eye out for her, I wouldn't like it if she fell into the wrong hands. So, pick up all small, young girls hitchhiking on this country's interstate highways, but watch out for that evil gleam in their eye. Small children are good at hiding sharp things in the strangest of places.

But I digress...

Today's post is not going to be my usual mindless blathering. I am actually going to discuss something of substance. The Citadel, and what it means to us.

This place is not your normal Quake site. Not everything we post is necessarily Quakeish in nature, and this is ok. We are not here to talk about Quake, and Team Fortress, and the latest clan matches. We are here to offer a nice, relaxing, spiffy-looking retreat from the normalcy of other TF pages. We are also here to gather together intelligent, computer literate folk with a taste for virtual violence so that we can compose a strike team to wash this country clean of the slime known as the Capitalist Pigs, but that is another update.

Dissent in our ranks has been a hot topic around these days, and I personally don't like it alot. I want to give my solemn promise that none of that weird stuff will go on at this site, if I have anything to say about it (which I usually don't, but still.) And for anyone who hasn't tried their hand at pubic shaving, its worth it!

The Citadel, to me, is where a cool guy sits here and talks about things on his mind, which is usually something we can all relate with. Of course, this doesn't apply to my posts since thought rarely has anything to do with them. Moriarty, on the other hand, is a master at the sublime humor and intelligent observations that we all look forward to every morning. No blatant swearing, not many inflammatory topics.. The Citadel is the poster child for Peace in Quakeland. We should all learn from its example. Love others as you love yourself, just not with your hands.

Some MP3 barf -- Moriarty

Today GrudgE[QD] sent me a great link for the MP3 crowd. Please check out Scour.net as it is an excellent search engine (I would presume legal) for MP3 files. I saved myself about $40 on CDs today alone (I have this nasty habit of buying CDs when I only like 1 song on there). You should download the client (500K) and start downloading...on a 28.8 connection I was getting multiple downloads at 6.5 k/sec. Excellent place.

I have decided to allow the serfs a forum

Well I know everyone is so despondent about losing both the TF Newswire and Keeg's Message Boards so I decided to slap up a temporary one for y'all. Mythias had been working on one anyway, I had too, but of course mine is borked. :) Anyway please check out the link on the sidebar under "Town Hall." Yes I realize this is pretty much the same message board everyone else has but I am working on a l33t one as well. Please entertain yourself, or something.

However there are some caveats. Basically I still retain absolute power. I am merely giving the commoners a semblance of self-government in order to appease their whining. Whoever does not comply will be mercilessly persecuted as noted below.

1. Keep the language decent. If you decide to go shooting your mouth off with foul language I will rip down your post. Please ignore my posts on other boards which contain such language, as I am allowed to do such things, being a lord and all.
2. TF discussion only. None of this nonsense about debating. Each post must contain the words "Team Fortress" at least 3 times. Otherwise it will be deleted. Additionally if the number "2" is juxtaposed with the words "Team Fortress," I will become angry and will smite you immediately.
3. You are permitted one post per day. No more, no less. I don't want to go filling up the server's hard drive with your mindless babble. Additional posts will be ripped down.
4. Anybody mentioning the word "impetus" will be mailbombed and h4x0r3d on my orders. This word annoys me greatly and I will do everything in my power to prevent this from occuring.
5. Come to think of it the letters "q" and "w" are very annoying to me as well. Don't use them or I'll delete your post.
6. Yes that means no questions, words like "why" and "how" and "what if" are disallowed by rule #5. Questions are for stupid people.
7. If you mention my or Mythias' name in any context other than a laudatory and flattering one then you will be sought out by my henchmen and terminated immediately. We have a reputation to keep up you know.
8. As demonstrated by the above rules this little thing you commoners like to call "free speech" is nonexistent here. Keep that in mind when you start breaking the rules, claiming some pathetic rationale such as "the First Amendment" or some such trumpet blast.

Well I think that about covers it! I will post these rules on the message board later on and append them as I see necessary. Remember Mythias and I are very strict on dissenters so be sure you know what you're getting into when you break the rules...

<Moriarty sharpens his gutting knife on a crock stick>

Don't forget your library card

No library news, other than calling attention to those who have unfinished stories:

• Boggs...but he's like, busy or something.
• 357Mag...but I guess I owe you a poem or something don't I?
• SteelAngel...I have no idea why you're dilly-dallying. That website is no excuse.
• Me...I suppose you're all waiting for me to update mine before you update yours.

So I guess I'd better stop updating and start finishing that thing eh? Oh well.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn

Lycanthrope dropped me a fervent ICQ stating that his ex (Destiny) was the main contributor to the Fat Dragon Knews profile on me and was rather miffed that she didn't get the credit. In response, she has quarantined my site from her children (I think they're 4 years old or so) and will not allow them to read The Citadel! Now you all have read Mythias' update and know how valuable this site really is, so I have decided to acquiesce and admit that this lady was involved in the hilarious profile on myself. So,

"Thanks for humiliating me in front of the entire Fat-Dragon loving community."

There ya go babe. :) (whoops you don't mind me calling her that do you Lyc? mwahaha)

<sigh> It seems that StealthRT has finally posted my "profile." I'm certain that some people other than Stealth were involved *cough*HellFace*ahem* because they actually took the time to read that monstrosity I like to call my homepage. There is some misinformation there, though, that I'd just like to clear up:

• That whole thing I posted a couple days ago about my parents was kind of stepping over the line. After reading it several days later I could see how a person could misinterpret that (not that Stealth did). My parents don't beat me or anything. I think the last time they yelled in my house was around '89 or so. Maybe I shouldn't make light of such a subject, but hell I was in a weird mood. I'm ALWAYS in a weird mood.
• Those pics of me are about the worst imagineable. I sent him a halfway decent one, but unfortunately it was after the Worst Haircut Ever® and I look kinda goofy. Oh well it's better than what he has now. I'm sure *cough*HellFace*ahem* had something to do with that...
• Stealth made a good point. My real name is Moriarty, my alias is Nick Blaha.
• "Well known and well liked by the TF community, even if nobody reads his page." Ouch. That hurt. True, but you don't have to call attention to it. I like to think I have Carmack, Cash, Hook, TFS, and half of Europe as closet fans. <sigh>
• Heh heh I look like a Nazi? Well I am German. ACHT! SHEIST!! heh.
• DAMN. That pic is UGLY.

So all in all great job by StealthRT...I'm sure you've managed to convince some that I am the reel fat dragon!!11!! Looking forward to the Sentinel profile.

I also read Kinlord's profile. I just about died when one of his aliases was listed as "Console"..... hahahahahha

It seems that Destiny's role in gathering evidence for the Knews page has resulted in a split between her and her [former] husband, [CG]Lycanthrope! It seems she hacked the Brimstone FTP and got some seriously incriminating evidence against someone, I forget who. Then she kind of passed it on, and then, well, I'm not sure, but apparently the whole thing is just really bad for a marriage. Sorry to hear that guys but most likely it was the straw that broke the camel's back eh Lyc? hehehe.*

All in all a very interesting morning. They always are when you stay up until 2 a.m. playing Quake on a school night. It's 10:30 and I haven't even looked at your desk.

So, I'm updating today because Mythias is "busy" (yeah right, that whole RL thing is a joke) but he will be "off" in the next couple of days. We all know the guy sits around the house forcing his girlfriend to fetch beer, etc. every single day of the week. Job? feh. I know him better than that.

*Note to the humor challenged: the phrase "hehehe" connotes a joke.

Whatever that means.

FTP was b0rk3d again. Sorry for the delay. Mythias had to upload for me.

Ahhh yes it is nice to be back again. I figure I could just let you guys hang for a couple days just to remind you how much you really do need this page. Of course the flipside to that is that once you're "weaned" off it you realize that you don't really need it as much as you thought you did and I lose some readers.

That's why I never skip updates for more than 1 day if I can help it. The best of both worlds.

I had a seánce (sp) yesterday. I saw a dead friend online in ICQ! Yes it was a very riveting experience. Some of you may remember our dear departed friend Vorinth, who left for a trip to Paris and never returned. After seeing neither hide nor hair of the fellow for almost a month I did get a chance to chat with the old bean for a bit, and it seems (as usual) that real life interests have taken over. At any rate I wish you good luck and Godspeed my son. Pick a couple pockets for me, would ya...

Wait. That's Fagin, not Moriarty. Getting my criminal overlords mixed up again.

SO. I won't say anything more than "we have contact" regarding the TFSL. I have gotten in touch with Scatter and things have not progressed past the primary stages as of yet, but things are still looking up at this point. Zeus over at GA Games is looking into working up something for a Cold Fusion server (which is what the original code was written in) and I'm still whittling away on my ISP for a temporary server. I expect some major news this weekend. No promises though...like I said I'm going to do everything humanly possible but that doesn't mean this is guaranteed to happen. Once it starts, it stays. But until then I can't guarantee anything.

On a more nonsensical note I finally did get my Pure3D card in the mail today, approximately 12 p.m. CST (that moment will forever be ingrained in my memory). The doorbell...the dramatic pause...the mad scramble for the front door...the glimpse of the white FedEx truck pulling away like Santa on Christmas Eve (I took down the license number so I can personally thank the driver)...feeling the weight of the package in my hands...tearing it open...putting the card up on a pedastal...smothering those 6MB of memory with wet smoochy kisses...ahhh what a day. What a DAY.

Needless to say GLQuake and Quake2 blew my mind. I have gone from despondent suicidal maniac to overjoyed addicted recluse (er, I was always like that, but I'm trying to make a point here). Pure3D rocks my world. Transparent water....SPOOGESPOOGESPOOGESPOOGE!!! I love this stuff. Now let me alone so I can re-absorb myself into the game.

*Moriarty plugs the cord back into the socket in the back of his skull*

Ahhhhhhhh....

Well Mythias is up to it again. I think I'm going to buy him a subscription to "Butt-Obsession Quarterly" for his birthday.

I can't believe I forgot to post that I got interviewed for so long (referring to the link in today's title bar). Probably because I wasn't having fun during the interview. You see my parents were throwing this giant temper tantrum all over the house, screaming, yelling, punching holes in the wall, shattering the family china, throwing vinyl records at me, you know the bit (or don't you?). So needless to say I was a little distracted during the whole thing, I wish I could've talked a bit more but then again I guess Lyc got what he wanted eh? The true look at me, harassed by crazed anti-technology parents, whose favorite saying is "GAMES ARE EVIL, AWWEEERKKKK DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT THE RUBBER HOSE!!!"

Wow, where did that come from...can you tell I'm a little disgruntled with family life right now? It probably has something to do with the Pure3D card not coming in the mail yesterday.

I can honestly say that this weekend bites bigtime.

At any rate I just want to say thanks to Lycanthrope for casting me in a good light (the flagrant racist remarks and allusions to Satanism were all edited out) and the fact that he likes this page. heh like I said man, all for your kids...

I did, however, get into a little discussion with several chaps over the prospective reincarnation of the TFV, tentatively called the "Team Fortress Sportsman's League." We had some excellent ideas and criticisms being tossed around and it's looking even more like a reality. Right now we need the code that ScAtTeRbLaK originally used for the TFV, which we are working on (i.e. contacting him). Hopefully this will be followed through on, and if worse comes to worst (10 to 1 odds I used that phrase wrong) I will call on a few favors in real life and get some ISP friends of mine to work up a simpler but effective version of it. Right now I'm trying to persuade my ISP to get a temporary server up and running (did I tell you about that already?) and we'll go from there. Once the ball gets rolling this will take off like wildfire, and we were mistaken in the thought that we would work with it as it went. With 1600 players in the Who's Who directory (BTW tremendous thanks for [cd]The Hal and DieHard for maintaining this monumental project so well and with so little due credit) it's obvious that keeping the TFSL small at first would not be very practical.

So with this in mind we are plunging forward. I'm not making any promises since the TFSL will not open until we get the code ready for the webpage. Last time TFV collapsed from disinterest. I am positive it will not happen again.

Finally, thanks to Zeus and the guys over at GAGames finally getting everything worked out, glad to hear you were as put out about the whole thing as I was. I appreciate your work and I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat ("what do you MEAN I have to put ads on my site?!?!? It will ruin the whole motif you fascist pigs! But I'll take the unlimited space anyway!!")...keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to a long stay here.

In memoriam
Tom Kaszar (1945-1998)
Al Mennemeier (1943-1998)