Citadel -- Main Page

That time of year has come yet again; 'tis the day when little children are handed dangerous rolls of paper stuffed with explosives and told to "go have fun", when adults (and sometimes the big children too) consume large amounts of grain distillates in order to make those big lights in the sky look kinda like mushrooms. It is the one time of the year when being a pyromaniac is socially acceptable. Too bad der Fluffinbaërgher is migrating for a few days. I would've liked to hear his holiday report, surely being caught on fire by a stray bottle rocket would be in there somewhere.

However, in my city, it is illegal to set off fireworks. It is not illegal to sell them; strange how this time of year, most of those outdoor tents and indoor air conditioned superstores have been cleaned out. Radio ads take over the airwaves. Pops, crackles, whistles, and smoke fill the air. Cedar shingle roofs catch fire spontaneously. I prefer to sit inside and fry my eyeballs on the computer, and wait for my sunburned skin to stop bubbling and getting pus all over my shorts. We put two or three sprinklers on the roof so the efforts of the neighbor kids to get a sparkler wedged in under the shakes doesn't provide them any entertainment.

But isn't it ironic how this holiday which is supposed to celebrate America's independence is also the cause of the largest amount of trade with one of America's greatest enemies, Communist China? Ironic, if you ask me.

Personally, I'm tired of trying to interpret those directions which come with the foreign products. I'm almost positive they're being done by test subjects in the new Mandarin-to-English program. Probably the worst I have ever come across went something like this (from the manual to a model kit):

That sort of thing is an unnecessary frustration. You tell me just to put up with it? I say, "nonsense, poopy pants!"

Top Ten Real Life Events I would've Liked to have Seen
in Various TF Players' Lives

And the Number One Real Life Event I would've Liked to have Seen in any TF Player's Life:

If you don't know by know that Immortal's Pointless Audio show is down (temporarily or permanently, no one knows), you're hopeless. However, in the tradition of the long legacy of "bad boy" shows, I'm going to call Immortal's bluff. I think it's just a big publicity stunt. Sure, the guy had a lot of publicity already, but you know how those types are. They get in the public eye, and they demand more and more attention. He got mentioned on sCary's, I predict that will satiate his temporary craving for more fame. He'll be back soon.

Wipe those tears away, buckaroos ... The Professor hops onto his brightly colored, 1894 yellow bicycle and pedals away into the London fog. He coughs, hacks, and chokes on the thick, toxic air, but manages to lean up against a wall in a dark alley. He gets mugged. But don't worry, he'll be back tomorrow ...

* I do not, and never will, know French. However, I believe les femmes
translates into "tjskjeijfkjsljjkkjk" in the Icelandic tongue.

I have some very serious, and promising news for the TF community. In a recent ICQ conversation with Matt, I was made aware that the Maine Yankee Nuclear Power Facility is up for bid until July 31st. He brought up one of the best ideas I have ever come out of his big mouth, including that stuff about building all those class-specific maps. His idea is to have the entire TF community chip in and make a bid on the power plant. What's incredible is, within five minutes he had over forty dollars in contributions. He and his mother both donated $20 ... just think of the implications! If everyone in the TF community donated some money, we could own our own power plant! Never pay an electric bill again! Once we get the facility back up and running, we'll start drawing a profit. You know what that means! A round of T1s for everyone! Huge LAN parties (attendees numbered in the millions), run solely off the energy generated by little atoms fusing or breaking up, I'm not sure which.

Based on my extensive knowledge of nuclear reactors, I can personally vouch that this model is of the highest professional quality. It would suit our needs perfectly; however, it is not a beginner reactor by any means. Not the sort of thing the budding power conglomerate would start out with; this is something that only a genuinely knowledgeable and highly experienced owner with a vested interest in success of nuclear facilities would ever consider buying. That describes us pretty well, doesn't it? But for this reason I think it would be best for all if I took on preliminary administration to begin distribution of funds as well as determining which divisions within the facility need upgrading. I will nominate the board of directors (I will not be on it, this is just to secure the rights of all shareholders) in order to get things running.

Note the three loop, combustion engineering pressurized water reactor system. This is widely acknowledged among the nuclear community as the most efficient of all reactors; the two-loop system is used in lesser developed countries such as Australia and Scotland (or do they have a plant? probably just mooch a bunch of power off England). The single loop depressurized tritium reactor was the model installed at Chernobyl and Three Mile Island, and is currently banned for construction in all countries except Ethiopia. If no one minds, I might just snatch up one of those low-pressure turbines and make a few modifications to the sentry gun ... can you say "levitating turret of perforation and mass gibbitude"? Howzat sound, Crono? "Don't Harass the Levitating Turret of Perforation and Mass Gibbitude, Kiddies!"

If you aren't willing to take my word for it, please register and request some catalogs and inventory lists for the bidding. I have seen the catalog, and let me tell you, it's really offering some bargain prices. My eyeballs almost collapsed after I noticed the feed water heaters and switch gear going for a mere $1.6 million. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. Like I said, we have $40 from Matt's family, and let's say, $50 from my own to start the bidding. Those of you interested on going through with this venture, please post on the Town Hall your name, address, social security number (sorry, no foreign bankrollers allowed), and amount pledged. Please be honest or we'll mail you a bucket of "heavy water". mwahhaha

Again, fellow Team Fortress connoisseurs, this is the chance of a lifetime. Make a sacrifice for the future. It's in your hands.

At any rate, sorry everyone for the delay in posting. Yesterday was absolutely nutso -- I started with a summer job since that ad thing is obviously a fraud at this point. I have not received my check. Accordingly, that fake little banner has been ripped down like the Nazi flag after Hitler did his little brain-aerating operation. Otherwise, back to your regularly scheduled program.

By the way -- I have uploaded all sections for the site. However, I have not uploaded the files for the files section, I will have to trim that before I make it complete again. Otherwise, everything now works. As far as these other sections go -- do you realize how ugly my engineering strategy pages are? I have considered going back and polishing them up but I figured, a) no one reads them any more, and b) I could spend my time doing much better things. So, yes, I realize how poorly done those sections are, and want to fix them badly, but it wouldn't be practical. Sorry.

Yes folks, the weather here has been absolutely nutso. We've got a king-hell electrical storm that's been hanging over us for about a day now -- and when I say "king-hell" I mean "KING-HELL". I would estimate 5 flashes of lightning per second. I had to -- get this -- put a pillow over my head so I could fall asleep Sunday night. Not to mention the wind. I took my sister to driver's ed this morning and was glad I took the 4WD -- I was fording streams and dodging falling power lines (not kidding). She was on time. I come home to see that the hail (second major hailstorm in less than a week) had busted our cedar-shake roof up pretty bad, with shingles all over the yard; it resulted in a bad leak in the bathroom as well as over the garage. Not to mention my car which has been dented up pretty badly since I park it in the street. The tree above it didn't help much. I haven't seen the sun for quite a while now, which isn't that strange since I routinely lock myself indoors for weeks at a time, but the ambient light source that I used to live on has been cut off and I feel like a mushroom or something. /sob story

At any rate the rest of my family has wrapped themselves in rubber and distanced themselves 15 feet from any metallic object, while I, the selfless webmaster, risk life and limb by sitting within two feet of the biggest bunch of wires and delicate metallic surfaces in the house. My hair is standing a few inches up off my head at this moment and the room is filled with a piercing hum. I'm typing pretty fast. [That was last night, actually.]

The city is running at optimal efficiency now that 99% of the dissidents have been disposed of. We had a very nice visit from a band of nomads calling themselves the Exiles. They came to the city gates, tired, hungry and parched, desiring a soft bed and hot food for one evening. We provided it, even though they were like, murderers and stuff. Of course, we later drugged them all and put radio collars on each of them to study their movements and learn more about them. If you'd like to learn more about this strange and beautiful culture, go here. Be sure to check out the Oasis.

In addition to these strange visitors, we also got a visit from someone who described himself only as an "Ozzie". While at first we were in the dark about his origins, we recognized the accent immediately. Apparently he is a very high ranked member of the "Valve" tribe, and he had prophecies about some of the future events regarding something he could describe only as "the coolest multiplayer game since Pong." Well, maybe he didn't say that, but you'll find out soon enough what he was talking about.

While I'm rattling off the list of interesting happenings, a parade of men in tuxedos happened by the city gates, chanting "Happy B-day to the Academy". Apparently their alma mater, the TF Spy Academy had just turned one year old. Not n*ws ... but SteelAngel (the dean) and I have been friends from the very first trading of insults. Drop by and read his latest (and greatest) editorial. The guy is one of a kind, and that's the truth. It's just that only now do we admit it since he's back home on his dialup instead of that line that would thrash HPBs merely by running a couple terabytes through it to scare us. HA! But seriously -- Ethan, keep it up man, we love you (awww), and please don't point that Deringer at me even if it is in your pants pocket.

If you're interested in who really bought Quake2 for TF2, check out the PlanetQuake Poll Results here. I think Gestalt's response is pretty appropriate. He (just like a lot of other people) doesn't understand what the TF community is all about. I didn't get Quake2 for Action Quake2. I bought it for TF2. Action Quake2 is a perk, albeit a very nice one, that came along about 6-7 months after release. I had nothing else in mind when getting the game, and even though I played some deathmatch and stuff, I only did it because I wanted to get used to the wacky crap that goes on when you run in Quake2, if you know what I mean. [I turn screen and weapon shaking off when I play Quake]

There has been something bothering me for a while, but I haven't had a chance to address it until a few weeks ago. The transcript of the letter I dropped in the mail to solve this problem:

But this one is defective too! I just finished my letter to the Foo Fighters' label and hopefully will be able to remedy this matter as soon as possible. Meanwhile I'm selling the defective ones at a buck below retail ... stay tuned!

[Fluffy] Psst! Hey buddy! Yeah, you! SHHH!!! Not so loud! c'mere ... look, pal, you gotta help me - you don't know what it's like in here ... He's crazy, I tell you, absolutely insane ... he thinks he's a freakin' king or something. Listen: you gotta help me get outta here before he kills me ... just yesterday, he ... wait! There he is! Shhhhh!!

... so anyway, after all that rain you'd think we'd get some good weather, but ...Say! Good King Moriarty! How does this fine day at the Citadel find you? Good, good! I must say, you're looking exceptionally well today; have you lost some weight? Well, it certainly looks like it ... Beg pardon, sire? Oh, goodness no, I'm FINE! That fur should grow back soon enough! Actually, I belive you ripping out all my fur was a blessing in disguise, m'lord ... yes, yes, I feel SO much lighter without all of it ... Ah, must you leave already? Very well, good day, sire!

JESUS!! Did you see that?? That maniac rips out all my fur and then has the gall to ... look, buddy, you can't just leave me here ... I've got a whole litter at home, and they can't see their daddy like this, all hairless like some damn Chihuaua. Ya gotta help me, for pity's sake ... I mean, it's just not safe here anymore; between 'King' Moriarty running around like some two-bit Balkan tyrant from the 1400s and the rampant cannibalism, man, I'm telling you, it's tough to get a decent nights sleep. Plus there's like these freakin' huge wooden poles flyin' around at all hours - I don't know what the the deal with those things are, but it sure as hell don't contribute to my peace-of-mind, if ya know what I mean. So whaddaya say, chum, can ya help a brother out? I can just crawl right into your suitcase there ... as soon as we're clear of the Citadel, I'll pay for all the dry-cleaning ... Huh? Hmm .. No room, eh? Ummm ... Ok, how about you wear me outta here like a big fur coat? Oh, right, no fur. Goddammit! C'mon, buddy, you can't just leave me here to get murdered by that lunatic or crushed by one o' those giant poles, can ya, big guy? Hey, come on, you look like a good guy, you prolly got a kid or two ... yeah? Got any pictures? Aww, they're adorable ... look, buddy, ya got any pets? Yeah? Would you leave Fido out somewhere where some delusional fruitcake could rip out all his fur and submit him to public ridicule? Would you leave him outside at night when you know full well there were cannibals running around loose? Hm? Oh ... right ... good point. As cannibals, they wouldn't be interested in me. Ok. Point taken. But still, the longer I stay here, the slimmer my chances get ... lord only knows when he'll get an urge for a Fluff-skin robe or a pair of slippers or something, and when that happens, pal, I'm a goner unless someone like you gets me outta here, but quick ... pal? Buddy? Hey! Where ya goin'? HEY! C'MON!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!!!

Good day and salutations to you all! It brings me great pleasure to speak to you all again, after that truly hideous epidemic which was running throughout our town and garrison. But thankfully the quarantine has been lifted and we may peacefully stroll about our beautiful city once again. Plus all the nasty vermin have been eradicated, to the great sorrow of our permanent guest Fluffy, something which we fervently regret. Alas, it cannot be helped. [Thick sarcasm] Fluffy, you have our condolences, please try your best to ignore the monstrous pile of burning animal corpses just outside your bedroom suite. Remember, we have to put up with the stench too.

Otherwise, times are good -- crops are flourishing, wages are rising, production is up, and the street women are charging less than they ever ... uh, well, prices are dropping in all economic sectors. [Leans over and whispers to attendant, instructs him to make sure that the questionable phrase be struck from the broadcast version.] Crime is at an all-time low, most likely due to the fact that we have distributed .44 magnum pistols to be kept in each home and carried on each person. Granted, the bodies of the criminals have clogged our furnaces and graveyards, but I believe this is a problem which can be dealt with on the legislative level once Clowngress reconvenes.

However, I come here today, not to speak to you from the loftiest tower in our mighty Citadel (the picture does it no justice), nor to summarize the conditions which you all can see quite clearly; I come to tell you of what it's like running a growing and prospering city such as ours. It is most certainly not an easy job, and at times I am riddled with doubts, depression, and attempts at suicide. Factor in the rantings of SliM over in the next county about beefing up the military, and the utter nonsense being spewed by Belgand (his screams from his padded cell seem to reach all the way to the city gates at times), and of course a person in a position of such responsibility as mine would naturally go bonkers quite rapidly.

But more than that, this job is monotonous. Previously, I would ward off boredom by altering my daily schedule. Occasionally I would flip through the latest issue of the newspaper, and after reading it, roll it back up and smoke it like a 5" cigar. I had my teeth removed so I could fit the thing in my mouth. [Removes false teeth and face collapses like those guys in the Keystone commercials] Of course, at the time, the ink vapor in my lungs had somewhat obstructed the thought process and it seemed quite reasonable to me.

Well, pretty soon the simple remedies ceased to appease my taste for the new and fresh. I began laundering city funds in order to purchase that new 60-foot sailboat anchored in the Florida Keys. I don't think many of you noticed the Learjet and nice new helicopter until construction on the private airfield and helipad began. Many of you perhaps hold the opinion that I crossed the line after selling out to corporate America and leasing approximately 50% of the square footage of the city for ad space in order to feed my $6,000-a-day coke habit. I did not feel as if it was such a major offense, but public opinion does in fact sway my own -- contrary to public opinion.

But at this point, I'm not ready to go on. The lies must stop. I am living one giant falsehood

Oh, stop it. You don't have to act. I know that each and every one of you that's crying and screaming is a paid actor placed in the crowd to create a sense of positive public response.

[Takes a big swig of 120 proof whiskey, fights off the tears, pinches the bum on the pretty lady doing her best not to laugh]

[Places gun in mouth. Pulls trigger. Tower explodes in a cloud of cotton stuffing and newspaper. Sound reminiscent of the Chipmunks at a tickle party erupts from tower. At the same moment, a disheveled and dirty ragamuffin bursts through the door at the base of the tower screaming "FLUFFY!!" at the top of his lungs]

[Shielding his eyes, the dirty figure climbs the stairs to the tower, frantically searching for something and continually screaming, "FLUFFY! FLUFFY, WHERE ARE YOU DAMMIT!"]

[Pulls out an Epi-Lady and takes all the hair off the poor creature's tail, leaving a small tuft at the end. Looks strangely like a cross between an opossum and a poodle.]

THAT should take care of things! ... Oh don't worry it'll grow back in a few weeks. But you deserve it for what you put me through! I ought to cram a pound of Grape Nuts down your throat and then skin you, you stinkin little prankster!

[Scene fades to Moriarty -- washed, cleaned, and looking very handsome -- watching on as everyone in the crowd is guillotined for not trying to stop him from committing suicide]

A big reason for that is this page. Probably the only time I was horrified at anything on the internet. Don't really see any reason why I should post this, but I think the article on "communication ethics" is very appropriate. I am glad the man decided not to post the clip. This is one situation where you can enter without the temptation to download the actual video. Just reading about it is quite enough.

I realize I'm just turning into a regular professional whiner lately, but if I always managed to say what was on my mind before, I guess I'll keep it up.

Another reason? Apparently many people have found Cyberthrill (my "sponsor") to be fraudulent in their dealings with their advertisers. I will wait and see for myself this weekend. If the check comes, I'm OK with them. For some reason I suspect it won't.

I got an email from Fang-[CE] (check out that email address -- yes, that's right, MIT) over at the TF Guide the other day, mentioning a poll that asked whether people bought QuakeII for TF2, for other reasons, or a combination of both. He mentioned how interesting it would be to see how many people really did buy the game to let it sit around until TF2 came out -- and how much iD's sales were boosted because of it. Excellent set of questions this week, please go check it out.

The only reason I mention something like that is that just last night I was introduced to one of the greatest mods for Quake2 I have seen to date. It is a deathmatch-only mod; however, the changes to the typical deathmatch free-for-all are obvious. It is called Action Quake2. The term "action" comes from the fact that this mod has been coded to be asclose to real life as possible. 3 rockets to the chest and still making it to a health depot is a thing of the past. Think in terms of a small caliber pistol to the back of the head. Every single weapon in the conversion is coded from exact real life specs. There are reload times, clips, small amounts of ammo dispersed through the level (conserve it, it's scarce!), and interesting level construction resembling real-life scenarios. In addition, there is locational damage (just as in TF2 may I add); you hit a guy in the legs, he'll stumble around and bleed a lot until he can find a safe place to dress his wounds using the "bandage" alias (it takes about 5-6 seconds to stop the bleeding, during that time you cannot fire). Drill him through the stomach or chest and it'll knock him around a bit, unless he's wearing the only suit of Kevlar on the level. Or, you can sneak up behind him while he's sniping and create a new funnel-shaped orfice with your silenced pistol.

That's another cool thing, as I mentioned about the Kevlar -- there's only one item per level. Everyone has different items, except of course for the default pistol everyone starts out with. There are six weapons, and only one of them, the hand grenade, is available to more than one player. The weapons are:

This is just an inkling of what the mod is all about. It is an absolute blast with teamplay (just change you skin to match another guy's and you can't hurt each other) and with 4-6 guys. I was up very late last night playing this. I am addicted. Go check out the homepage here. I highly recommend this conversion over anything else out on the internet to date, barring Team Fortress. (As a matter of fact, I believe they are coming out with a "hunted president" style game in a while.) Of course, I haven't tried them all, but coming from a diehard TFer like myself, I'm sure it means something. Get in a game with a bunch of your friends, and then you'll understand.

[Fluffy] Well! Since you guys were no damn help at all*, I finally found a way to get outside of this freakin' firewall for myself. The solution was ingeniously simple, if I do say so meself: As you may know, we Fluffae are listed on the EPA's Endanged Species list. Once I made a few calls and got connected to the right person, it was an easy matter to convince them that I was indeed being threatened by extinction (I didn't say that it was due to boredom - I figured what they didn't know couldn't hurt 'em). In a matter of minutes, MAC-10 toting EPA agents in black flak jackets burst through the windows of my normally peaceful office, where that sort of thing just doesn't happen very often, and proceeded to try to rescue me from the evil firewall. Of course, they weren't exactly technically savvy, and finding no actual, physical firewall, they started to just tear down any walls they could find. Seeing that the walls to my tiny little cubicle might be next, I sidled up the guy in charge and engaged him in a dialouge:

EPA Guy: Ah! I see! Hello, Fluffy! How can we warmhearted individuals help you in your quest for liberation?

Fluff: Ah - y'see, that's just it. While I do appreciate the new view afforded me now that the front wall has been partly demolished, that wasn't the exact wall I meant.

EPA Guy: Hmmm ... interesting. And where might we black-clad, gun-toting yet kindly civil servants find said wall?

Fluff: Yeesh ... um, no reason. Anyway, the wall I'm having problems isn't exactly a real wall, y'see ...

Fluff: It's a wall inside that computer over there that won't let me get out.

Fluff: Well, not the COMPUTER itself, I mean, I need that computer, but there's this wall in it that doen't let me outside ..

EPA Guy: I see ... and this 'wall' as you call it ... about how tall might it be, roughly?

Fluff: Argh - look, you obviously don't understand! See, this wall is a ... hey! Why are you whispering to that guy?

EPA Guy: um .. who? Him? Oh, no one, really. See, Fluffy, we're here to help you. Now we realize you've been under a lot of stress lately, and we're going to help you ...

After that there was a lot more yelling and some swearing and a LOT of running, but I finally ditched the SOBs. Anyway, when I finally peeked out of the tunnel that leads to me office, I was surprised by the fact that they had essentially leveled the office building searching for me. My computer, however, seemed intact, if a mite dusty, so I dragged it, along with the T1 cable down into my burrow. Hopefully the phone company won't notice that the address no longer exists until I go back to school in the summer. Sure, it's a drag having no fancy office furniture & a nice coffee maker and stuff, but, dammit, I ping 60 to my clans servers and ICQ actually works*. See ya on the battlefield, Gents.

*note: Longshot=AR=, JimmyHustle=AR=, Moriarty & UnHuman not included - thanks for the help/support guys!

The stat checker for Cyberthrill (my sponsor) is back up. I loaded it up this morning, and got a little jolt.

Now I hate to harp on this, because it makes me sound greedy and money-hungry. I assure you, I am a lot of things, but I am not that. I'm merely trying to eke out a living in the easiest possible manner. Therefore, instead of immediately seeking a summer job, I was involved in peace talks with my parents, seeing whether they would lift sanctions on the computer in order that I could actually do something on it on a regular basis, and not have to close applications in a flurry of mouse clicks every time I heard a footstep on the stair. Well, after some harrowing technicalities, I finally managed to leap up and twist my father's arm behind his back, and they had no choice to acquiesce (as he had just pulled a muscle in his shoulder that morning).

Imagine my surprise when I check my stats and see that I have made a total of 70 hits to the site. Uhhh ... hello? I remember getting a pretty darn positive response when inquiring as to whether people would click on the ad once a day. You don't have to do anything there. There are no cookies (to my knowledge). And it loads in the background while you read. Little or no inconvenience to you. So how hard is it for you just to do it every time you come here? I get around a hundred hits a day (give or take twenty) and I'm doing the best I can with the updates. Obviously I'm doing something right since I have a decent number of regular readers. I just don't understand why you don't click on the fuggin ad.

I know this sort of thing isn't why you come here, so I'll quit on that subject. The point has been made. I'd like to hear your reactions (bracing myself for the five posts and emails -- six, tops -- that will actually state an opinion).

Guido Jones wanted me to mention something about the Keyboard vs. Mouse match. He has a basic page up here, sign up and show who's reely got the skills. I have also joined the RA Domination tournament, so hop on over and give me a run for my money (not hard, since I suck).

Let's move on to something more inflammatory. Namely, my neighbor's hemmorhoids. I can hear him screaming in agony all the way from my basement!

Nahh, how about Team Fortress 2 ... and the tea sippin' sissy boys that think they've been wronged in some unidentifiable, cosmic way because it's not for Quake2. This time, a message board post by Matt from the TF Newswire BBS:

The reason I snatched this little gem up is that I've been trying to say this for quite some time now, but my word processor crashes around page 150 and I keep having to start over mid-way. Matt's good that way. Direct and to the point -- plus he's right on in this instance. I'll save the commentary for when other issues arise, but this has been my stance on the whole issue since day one.

What I think should happen is that this gets posted on every news page out there so people will finally get it drilled into their heads that TFS is not out to screw them over.

Personally, I'm sick and tired of LITTLE people who feel they have to attack anything and everything just because it's there to be attacked. Most likely they're trying to repress real-life issues and make themselves feel big and important. I think a lot of people who see themselves as "skeptics" are trying to make themselves appear intelligent. I always love the line, "Use your brain! Think! Don't follow the crowd!" I especially loved this when that twit over at Brimstone wrote up his little "religious kick in the balls" and plugged Satanism by telling people to use their brain and think. To blatantly steal another Matt quote, well, Satanists aren't exactly the brightest people in the world. Everything you do to serve the evil bastard will earn you an even nastier pit after you die. Yeah, that'll draw a lot of followers ...

But back to my point, which was that just because you're not following the "crowd" doesn't mean you're more enlightened or correct than anyone else. Judging the merits of your own actions by seeing who else agrees with you is a pretty backwards way to run your life, and that's a fact. So why do people hate TFS and their decision to go with Half-Life? a) they're misinformed, or b) they're ignoring the facts and trying to make themselves look intelligent by walking off the beaten path. I am most certainly not saying to follow the crowd because the crowd is always right. The crowd can be wrong sometimes. Just because the majority wants something does not justify that something as right. What I am saying is, don't automatically assume that just because the crowd is siding with one particular viewpoint, they're consequently a bunch of sheep and don't know what's going on. It's very possible that they have sat down, examined what they know, inquire after what they don't, and formed a conclusion. Granted, a lot of people aren't doing that. They appreciate TFS because of what TFS has done for them. Or maybe someone whose opinion they respect has voiced their views on a particular issue. Others strive to avoid conflict at all costs and ignore fighting (this is certainly a rare breed among internet users). And then there are people like Immortal and Rain that insist on consistently denying the obvious for the sake of God knows what. It's my belief that they are doing it for something other than a belief in what they are saying. I find such attitudes repugnant, and they are a vexation to my peace of mind.

Remember those rants I had a long time ago about how radio stations never gave the name of a song after playing it? Despite the raging incompetency of those stupid twentysomething announcers, I finally managed to get ahold of the name of the song I've been wanting to get for about 3 weeks. Thanks to Billings! All hail Herr Billings! The name of the song is "Hey Man Nice Shot" by Filter. Get ithere if you like good music. Incidentally, this and that Stabbing Westward song are the only two that I could not find on scour.net to date. If you know where I can get "Save Yourself" please let me know.

OK, sorry, the classified ads are done for now. And Fluffy, no requests for "companionship", please ...

[Fluffy, or as I'm known in Italy, Il Fluffisimo] Yeesh! I'm back from my whirlwind tour of Vancouver, BC, Canada. Lemme tell ya one thing, Chumley: The 'BC' stands for 'Babe-freakin-Central.' First, let me mention that I work in Redondo Beach, CA, right next to the beach (I could throw a brick into the ocean from me office window were I so inclined), and that there is no shortage of rollerbladin', bikini-clad temptresses cascading past my window. I do not mention this to brag or further drive home the point that while I lead a fun-filled, exiting lifestyle replete with glamourous women, thrilling car chases and plenty of Kung-Fu action, you are stuck wherever you are, sitting at home in your underwear and eating aeresol cheese (I pray you're wearing underwear - the thought that someone, somewhere is reading this while naked gives me the shiverin' joe blakes). No, I do not mention that my life is a thousandfold more exiting and fulfilling than yours to make you realize your utter inferiority, I merely mention it to serve as a point of reference to my next comment: Vancouver, BC has the highest per capita ratio of Fabulous Babes(tm) than any other city it has been my good fortune to visit. Canada, I salute you.

Now then, on my return to the US, what do I find upon inspection of the message board? Apparantly, some virus, doubtless a mutant strain, born of some jungle fever previously unknown to modern science, has infected many of the otherwise normal Citadel denizens with what appears to be an acute case of conspicuous erudition. Yipe! Looks like I got a touch of it myself ... be right back ...

OK, much better. Nothin' cures excessive smartness like a viewing of Cabin Boy. I mean, jeez, latin?? Calvin freakin' Coolidge?? Geesh. Anyhoo, on a repeated viewing of Mori's updates (Note to Hal: the proper spelling is 'Moe-arty,' no matter what HE tells you.), I am shocked to find that airing of grievances & pet peeves is kosher, updatewise. So here goes:

-US Customs. So I enjoy taping several pounds of hashish to my body when flying; dammit, that's no one's business but my own!!

Finally, I must apologize to DeadPool2 & Begland over at ETF ... Look, I was just scrounging around for roots & berries & maybe a news scrap I could play up for laffs ... sorry about all the tunnels & the front lawn ... y'know, after a good rain, you'll hardly notice all those dirt piles ...

Interesting story behind today's quote. Coolidge was one of the quietest presidents ever, often going entire evenings without speaking; merely nodding, waving, or using other similar gestures. One particular evening, at some sort of presidential dinner party, a lady sitting at his table struck up a bet with him. Speaking to his wife, she said, "I'll wager fifty dollars that I can get more than two words out of Mr. Coolidge tonight." Mrs. Coolidge looked over at her husband, and he responded deadpan:

Came across that, and I thought I'd pass it along. Sticking with my vow of totally disguising the entire purpose of this page.

You know that list of crap that I went down about how useless my car was? Well, I have some news. Tack hail damage on the end of that list. I think my car dropped about 75% in value in about three days. Someone pierce my nostril or something so I don't focus on the pain.

On Sunday I was talking with an acquaintance (say hello, Michael), and the topic of webpages came up. I mentioned that I "ran" one (I think "watching a bunch of zeroes and ones mutate into God only knows what" would have been more appropriate) and of course, he inquired as to what it was all about. I was speechless for a second or two, which in itself is a scary thought, but finally I had to answer, in all honesty, that I didn't know. This kind of struck him as strange, and the more and more I think about it, the more and more it is bothering me. How do I explain to a friend what the hell I am doing here? I think writing a Quake-related webpage pretty much kills any chance I have of explaining to people what the site is all about and still managing to retain a modicum of dignity. That's true, because as we all know, the Quake community in general is its own little world. Oh, you don't play Quake? Good luck ever making sense out of what goes on in here. I've mentioned something like this before, but what hasn't struck me is how we relate to others outside of this little microcosm. I'm sure every one of us has been at a loss for words at one time or another trying to explain to friends, relatives, employers, or pets what the heck is stealing us away from them. What is it about this that is so ... well ... addictive?

You don't realize how hard it is for me to use the word "addicted" to describe myself when playing Quake or involved in the day-in, day-out events of the TF world. This is a sore subject in my parental relationships, and I fervently deny any semblence of my behavior to that of a dysfunctional, substance abusing, toxin ingesting, antisocial, run-of-the-mill drunkard or druggie. I explain my actions away with an analogy: "Well it's just like you talking on the phone. You wouldn't just dial up your best friend and say, 'sorry, I'm addicted to conversation with you, and it's going to have to stop.'" You continue conversation with a person because you enjoy it. The question is, when does your enjoyment of that person's conversation take over your life?

At this point, this subject is totally dried up, but on the off chance that I may come across something intersting, I'll continue.

To quit ending paragraphs with questions, I'll answer my first one: what is it that keeps the people coming back again and again? It surely isn't the game itself; for while there have been hundreds of modifications to the original Quake source (something which seems to me to be only a bare skeleton which others have fleshed out over the years), I would've tired of Team Fortress long ago simply because it's rather repetetive. Or is it? Maybe the better word is cyclic. There are different ways to play, different areas to focus on, and no matter how far you get away from where you started, you'll always come back to what you were originally thinking because there are only so many things to do. I think it takes some people longer than others to complete this cycle, and others go around it more than once. Still others feel they've seen it all, and move on to other things. But there's something else about this that keep us coming back.

It ties in with the following point, I think. Today I noticed something funny about my reaction to the TF2 preview by Fargo over on contaminated.net. After hearing him list all the spectacular products he saw at E3, and then saying TF2 topped them all, I was feeling quite proud. Why should I be proud? I had absolutely nothing to do with the creation of TF, and the only part I played in its success was that of one insignificant little player among thousands that actually listened to some webmaster or friend recommending the game, and contributed to its popularity by playing and teaching others to play. I can think of a lot of people that had a very large impact on Team Fortress, much more than I have. Why should I feel any more pride in the success of TF than anyone else?

This pride doesn't have as much to do with ourselves as it does with others. As many have noted, a big cause of complaint lately has been the lack of recognition from what we see to be external parties. People like Blue, Zoid, and so forth, that seem to go out of their way to forget that TF is kicking pretty much everyone else's Quake mods out of the way, and putting them to shame. To put it simply: a lot of people feel that despite its popularity, TF was just not getting coverage. I remember feeling very happy when sCary mentioned in a blurb on his page about how good a mod TF was; that sort of thing is what a lot of people feel is what has been lacking in the Quake news. Only very recently have I been spotting major pages such as PQ and Blue's mentioning the words "Team Fortress" at all. But again, the question taps me on the shoulder and says, "stop meandering, the guy in the lazy-boy is nodding off, hurry up and wrap this page-filler up."

Because of this auspicious lack of outsiders looking in, the TF community feels that they have been part of an underground nation, and only now has the rest of the world acknowledged that yes, TF is a kickass mod and trying to hide it any longer won't work. Do I yell "conspiracy!" and start pointing fingers? No. Because there was no conspiracy. To the non-TFers, TF was the farthest departure from the original Quake game and therefore one which should be marginalized accordingly. While they were reporting CTF, Arena, and other news, suddenly TF became mainstream. They eventually saw it as the wave of the future. The E3 demo only solidified things to the point where TFS, Valve, and Sierra are a household name (at least among the 3D gamers) and one of the major contenders for customers. They are no longer a bunch of kangaroos with a collej eddikashun and a knack for QuakeC. They're world famous. They're right up there with that arrogant (but entertaining) bastard Steed and his cohort, Hook ("Hook! Hook! Hook! Give us the Hook! Hook! Hook!"). They could forever change the future of online gaming, and their product is the summer release which is going to top Jurassic Park and Titanic together, at least in my mind. Team Fortress II is going to nail everything else's shoes to the floor and mow them down with Howitzers and hand grenades.

That's why we're proud. We're not proud of anything they did, we're proud that we found this little home-grown mod and followed it to #1.

You guys haven't been clicking on the ad, so I haven't been updating. Yeah, that sounds like a good one ...

First of all, webmasters / RA show hosts / other online entrepreneurs who claim they do something "because they got a lot of email on it." What's funny is that you can tell these guys never get any email and feel they have to justify themselves to their readers to make it seem like some people actually care about what he's doing. Kind of like radio stations running a "request line"? No radio station in America takes requests. They wait until someone calls in and requests a song they already have on their playlist, and then play it. I'm not totally sure how that fits in with the email thing but it's another peeve so it makes the list.

Blockbuster video. I'm 18 years old, why can't I rent a movie? I have to go in there, show them two forms of ID (driver's license and any one of the following: work ID card, gasoline card, credit card, latest utility bill, or proof of insurance. I'm not kidding), and then fill out a two-page application. I felt like I was applying for a job at the Pentagon. Needless to say I didn't have any of the above and so I told off the moron behind the desk ("thanks for nothing"... I know, I should've kept my mouth shut, probably too offensive for the small children in line behind me) and stormed off, and managed to make my tires squeal on the way out, just like a disgruntled customer that has been shafted should do. Daddy went up later on and got my movie, then torched the place.

Okra. This crap is just nasty. It's like stuffed peppers in a sauce made from the excess mucous of a high school football team. (A big one.)

Hypocrites. Especially hypocrite drivers. Especially my hypocrite driver father. When he's out for a nice drive, not late for anything, and going 60 in a 65 zone, people zoom around him because the highways here are pretty darn straight and it's easy-peasy to get up to around 100. He screams and yells, calling them every name under the sun. "You friggin maniacs! I oughta call the cops on you! Reckless endangerment, I say!" Then when we've got 5 minutes to make a 30 minute drive (usually to Mass on Sunday) he's doing the exact same thing, but because they're only doing 70 in a 60. "Give me a BREAK! This highway could run a drag race but you're chugging along at thirty miles an hour in your Little Engine that Might Have Hit Forty!" This is just one of his many quirks which are like wet willies in the ear of my senility.

Cousins. I have never known anyone with a cousin that was a contributing member of society. Except Kinlord. (Almost let that one slip.)

Being forced to go to movies I want to see anyway, but not when I want to see them. This is the first time I've been on in two days or so, which is a lot for me, and what do you know, little sister wants to go see the X-Files. Added to going at my primetime comp time is the ignonimy of going to a sci-fi movie with one's sister. Am I a loser? Hell, I don't know. My friends always invite me out so I can buy them beer, does that count?

Waking up mid-dream. Everyone knows this is just plain bad. Unless of course it's some sort of nightmare, and you're being tried for murder. But it's not totally bad because Gillian Anderson is your lawyer and she's doing a great job *ahem* and everyone knows you're innocent and you're in the papers and people are just crawling all over you even though they're accusing you of dropping your next door neighbor with a deer rifle after he moved the property line over by mowing the grass farther over and then of course there's your cousin who shows up and testifies against you on the remote possibility that he might get your car after you go to jail but if you do you always have that .22 Deringer sewn under a flap of skin in your left buttock ... but I've said too much already.

You know that movie Last of the Mohicans? I hate it when it ends. Good movies ending after two hours should be against the law. You should pay five or six hundred dollars to rent a movie, and measure its length in months. Or maybe just make a movie with no plot, just a bunch of musket-bearing savages taking on a squad of heavily armored gladiators, again and again. Or maybe again and again and again and again.

People who address me as Holmes. Not only do I hate stupid slang like that, but it also has an especially insulting background. I'm sure if the real Professor Moriarty was ever addressed as "Holmes," he would've filled them with grapeshot right there on the spot.

There ends the extremely butchered version of my peeve list. The real one is about 600-700 pages long (I never thought to count) so understandably it was way too short to post on this page. As far as the long time between updates -- the computer was unplugged all weekend and when I finally did get a chance to hop on, sis saw that her long lost loser e-pal was on for the first time in months. Whoopdee doo, she spent the evening chatting. You can email your complaints to [email protected] to get her off this computer (it's mine dammit!)

Watch the grapeshot on your way out. Take the secret door by clicking the ad, and avoid all the booby traps.

Well, despite the fact that I never had a pet as a child (budgerigars don't count), I went ahead and signed Fluffy up on the staff so I could get that oft-ignored point of view, that of our furry little sentient friends. A small minority, but still one that needs a pedestal to advance their own special interests. At any rate, like I said, I was not very familiar with pet care, and things such as feeding and grooming were quite alien to me; however, I had planned to check out a couple of books from the library on animal care. Some of the ones I picked up were, Care of the Fluffae, Keeping your Fluffae Clean and Louse-free, and Fluffination: Your Fluffy as a Member of Society. However these books were written by obviously incompetent people, and I ignored most of their stupid guidelines (bathe him ever few days? Come on I'm a human and I can go a week). As a result, Fluffy has suffered because of it, and I'd like to apologize to the little bugger, even though he did cause my favorite chair (an ancient Barcalounger) to be burned on a common rubbish heap as a result of infestation. That's the last time I let him up on the furniture!

But really, it's my fault for not providing him with the necessary materials to keep himself clean and bug-free. Not to mention I accidentally brought home Puppy Chow from the Pet Food Savemart, something which he despises. He refuses to eat anything less than the highest pedigreed lean beef, whether it be steak, round, or tenderloin. I've tried tricking him into eating less expensive food (e.g. a mound of Whiskas covered with a thin layer of t-bone, or ground chuck mixed in with some Friskies) but he catches me every time. Maybe I should try dog food instead? Or maybe he would prefer to catch his food "on the run". Oh well. The expense is worth it, Fluffy has brought me much joy (especially that time I called him home after I had nailed the FluffDoor shut).

Unfortunately the little rapscallion had gotten a bit of a stomach bug after I tried feeding him Grape Nuts, so he asked to be taken to the vet to recouperate. He will return on Tuesday if all goes well. Maybe the vet will be able to condition him to enjoy that lower quality (but cheaper) food.*

If you all have been lurking on the message board, you'd notice that a little scuffle has broken out between the keyboarders and the mousers. The fact that the TF community is 99% guys probably doesn't help things, either. It seems that they have challenged each other to a match, keyboarders vs. mousers. Of course, the keyboarder team is a little short, so we're going to need some help scrounging up some of those obsolete players in order to give the mousers a challenge (guess who I'm betting on). Guido Jones has donated his server and as of now we are still working out the preliminary details of how and who and what will be played. If you'd like to get a betting pool started, it would be a good idea to give those who bet on the keyboarders at least thirty to one odds just to make sure that not everyone wins. Either that or execute them for their stupidity.

So any ideas regarding this neat idea can be posted on the message board, or sent to Guido Jones himself. Please include the side you would like to be on, and when would be best to play (i.e. weekends / weekday, time). I can't wait to see our claim to superiority finally established.

The very day I sign up for the ad, the hit checker and status function goes down and has been down ever since. I'll have to wait for my big check to come next week. Why me, Lord, why me?

It's been a while since I've had a nice long theraputic real life whine. Do not continue if you do not like whining, or hearing about my real life.

Picked up my car from my cousin yesterday. It had been in his posession for about three months. He had purchased a car but not notified us, for reasons unknown at the time. We found out he no longer needed it from one of his friends. Eager to have some mode of transportation, we drove by his apartment and picked it up as he was out of town as well. Hop in, and what do I see but a nice spiffy new CD player! Wow how cool. Dad gets in and starts playing with the air conditioning, and then I start hearing him mutter under his breath. "I just fixed this damn thing a month ago." It seems the air conditioning doesn't work even though we filled it with freon a very short time ago. Well, we drive it over to the place we got it fixed at and left it there for a few hours so the guy could get around to it. We come back and get the report, seems the wire on the compressor was shaken loose, no big deal. On the drive home, I lead in the car and dad follows behind. As my speed starts climbing, the car starts vibrating. It doesn't catch my attention until about 60 miles (800 km) an hour. Once I get up to 70 mph (820 km/h) I feel like I'm being followed by an Army Jeep with one of those turret-mounted machine guns and he's unloading his 1-inch bullets on my poor car. The dash is vibrating madly, with about a half inch of travel. I cannot see out of the rear view mirror, and the speedometer needle looks like it's a heart monitor hooked up to a hamster on cocaine.

I make it home and pull up to the curb. Dad pulls into the garage, says nothing, and walks over to the rear tires of my car. He looks around for about a second, then straightens up with the reddest face I have ever seen. He looked like he was about to pull a Martian on me (you know, when their brains go *POP* when they hear that music). He explains that the rear end is so out of alignment that the tires are canted outwards at a relatively absurd angle and that as I am driving I am "crabbing" down the highway, which means the front and rear tires do not line up. We check the speedometer and it is 2,000 miles over what we had checked it to be less than 3 weeks ago, and the inside of the rear tires are worn down not only through the threads, but into the steel belts as well (new set of tires about a month and a half ago). The frame is probably bent beyond repair.

Most likely he had had one too many and caroomed off the side of the road into the ditch. There was no exterior damage but obviously there were some serious problems with the frame.

The car is undriveable, and I'm just as bad off now as I was when the car got lent to this jerko. I'm having lots and lots of fun sitting in the driver's seat, turning on the CD player and pretending I'm actually driving my own car. Wow what a feeling.

I feel a little better now, but not much better. I still have a heap of shit (with a very nice CD player) sitting on the front curb, and I'm steaming.

It's all around the scene now. Potato is leaving us, retiring one of the most successful news sites in TF history. I was totally shocked after reading that update. I suppose I expected a big whine about not seeing TF2, of leaving for so long, of never seeing most of his clanmates and friends again -- basically, what I was doing. What a hardy example for us all. My hat goes off to you, Mr. Potatohead, though I wish you had a little more dignified name for a more dignified occasion (I feel like I'm giving the Nobel Peace Prize to a guy named "Ed Belsky"). You will no longer entertain us, guide us, or provoke us*. You will be missed, and even though the fickle nature of the online community will seem to leave you behind, your efforts, humor, and, dare I say, wisdom, will live on in our memories.

I have no memories to share other than the great time I had checking your page and seeing that another update was there to tickle my retinas. The Aussie jokes, the horrible puns, the little elbow jabs in dark colors, the nonsense on the top of the page, Strato's "You Don't Say," and the unique way he had of writing up boring old news that kept us coming back for more. Plus that goofy counter that defied my reloading efforts...

Today's update will be short, because I don't want to lump this together with the ordinary stupid stuff I post. Apart from a few emails I never really talked with Potato, never played a game of TF with him, never got to know the guy. But I think we all know him well enough through his work, the Sycamore Tree, just as you get a glimpse of me on this page. It was a man we liked, we enjoyed hearing from. It is a sore loss for us indeed.

Maybe you all think I'm a little quote happy lately, but I just couldn't pass this one up. It just fit too good (dang, what do you bet he'll correct my grammar before he leaves?):

[ Sorry to those of you who read this earlier this morning -- this is today's morning update, plus a few embellishments. Fluffy and I had an update war, and the quote got lost in the process. I think the quote needed to be up in order to appreciate the top ten list. Check back later tomorrow (on the 19th) for my real update. ]

As you can see, I've put the banner up. I have gotten nothing but positive feedback so far and most of you sound willing to load up the page in the background while you read. The ad loads plenty fast since it's local, none of that CGI-redirect sort of thing to slow you down (plus I hear mythias.nu is faster for some of you?). Anything you guys decide to give is fine with me, but if I don't get anything then I'll throw myself in one of those city-owned chipper-shredder machines (ala the hobo in "My Antonia"). Doing just fine one minute, then a big skooshy pile of superfine mulch the next. So just click on the thing, will yas?

OK, now that I can forget about the dirty details of running a website, let's get down to some really nasty Scot bashing! [ACCORDION FANFARE]

Top Ten Reasons Scotland Never Became a World Power

If you guys haven't heard this newest RA show yet, go here and listen to Immortal's Pointless Audio. Folks, the 6-17 show is the funniest thing I have ever listened to or seen on the Internet, period. He starts with a prank call and ends with one of the funniest scatological songs I have ever heard in my life. He will have more hits in one week than I have gotten ever, period. It's a testament to the quality of the show.

However, for some ignorant reason he doesn't like TFS. I have listened to all his shows, but all he says to back it up is "TFS are idiots" or "TFS is a bunch of fags," despite persuasion to so you can pretty much disregard that. I could really go to town on that but he's not reading this page anyway. Apart from that, the show is definitely worthy of listening. It's fast-paced, there's no mumbling or "uhhh"-ing (as I liked to do on my test show), and very professional. It is vastly superior to those other "bad-boy" shows that have been cropping up lately (why do all the bad-boys hate TFS?). I guarantee you will love Immortal humor.

Plus, about 12:25 into the broadcast, there's a greedy Scotsman ranting. I could not stop laughing, God's honest truth.

For lack of more anti-Caledonian propaganda, I'd just like to review all the gross mispronunciations (for lack of an online equivalent) of my name, as well as the nicknames. Let's just run down the list, shall we?

I would list Fluffy's but unfortunately the browser is unable to display Woodchuck characters, and I'd imagine most of you wouldn't understand it anyway. I would also list those who have no nickname for me, due to the fact that I have never technically spoken to them. You know who you are!

Before I go, though, I do want to clarify that Quake2fortress was in no way at fault for the site going down. It was entirely the problem on their host, GA Games. If I sounded like I was taking Phreakin or any other Q2F staff member to task, that was not my intent. I have heard rumors that "wires were cut" over at GA Games, which means nothing to me, but it would probably explain why we haven't heard anything from them. Meanwhile, I am happy all holed up at mythias.nu.

Good grief -- another KC resident just hopped in IRC. I spotted his ISP and it was mine, very strange. It happens that he is the creator of a mod called HeadHunters, which looks very cool. It is for both Quake and Quake2, I am currently downloading them so I can report back and tell you how cool and creative KC people are (and maybe mention something about the mod). It's relatively new, so go check it out! From the strat guide and description, it sounds like a really entertaining (and funny) experience.

[Fluffy] Hi again! Sorry I've been gone for so long, but ... well ... y'know that little problem with quake2fortress.com? Well, I really don't know how to say this right, so I'll just blurt it out: It was all my fault. I'm terribly, terribly sorry. You see, a few nights ago, I realized that I'd been kinda slacking off updatewise, and decided to make some small remediation with a brief updatelette. Since I'm behind this firewall,(By the way: thank you SO much everyone for the tremendous outpouring of support and sympathy I've recieved. Why, I can't even open my email any more without getting a deluge of encouraging letters and tech tips. Remind me to return the favor the next time you get screwed.) I have to hand-deliver these updates.

So I walk over to the Citadel, update in hand. Now, usually I just hop over the fence into the Citadel backyard, make a few derogatory comments about all the junked cars up on blocks (I swear - there's like eight of 'em back there!), and scamper through the FluffDoor that Moriarty so thoughtfully installed for me. This time, as I hit the door at full scamper, the door did NOT swing open as usual, but rather held firm and dealt me a nasty blow on me fuzzy little cabeza. The swelling is just now starting to go down. Naturally, I assumed that Mori was having a bit of fun at my expense, but I was quickly disabused of this notion when, scampering(again) out to the front door, albeit at significantly reduced rapidity and cheerfulness, I saw a a sign in the front window: "Close for fumigation & delousing." "Jimminy," I thought, "Bugs! Hope I didn't get any in me fur!" Well, gentle readers, what I am about to tell you may shock you. It may even dismay, disgust, offend, repel or even bewilder you. But, here at the Citadel, we have taken a solemn vow never, not even for an instant, to shield you from the truth, no matter how repugnant, revolting or boring it might be (of course there's the other vow you don't hear about so often, in which we swear to consistantly just make up crap and try to fob it off as something real, as long as someone thinks it might actually contain some humor content).

Anyways ... umm ... where was I ... hmm .. vows .. repugnant ... disgust ... readers ... Oh! Right! No sooner than I expressed the aforementioned concern of my own well-being, peltwise, did a large, ominous black truck pull up. My eyes got wide as soup plates as I read the legend on the door: Furious Frank's Fluffy Fixer. Ladies, Gentlemen, children of all religions, surely this is a time in mans history when it is time to move beyond petty labels, labels such as 'vermin', 'pest', and 'varmint', and try to accept our neighbors for who they really are? Well, since I see your eyes glazing over, I guess not, but anyway, as you might expect, I got my fuzzy ass outta there toot-sweet.

So. The bottom line is simply this, no more, no less: quake2fortress.com is down due to Fluffae infestation. According to the sysadmin, it should be up reasonably quickly, as soon as they air the place out some, reupholster some of the furniture (sorry about that, guys) and clean out all the fluff from the tcp ports. Let's hope Mythias, who seems to have a nice, tidy place here with actual real lawn furniture and a bitchin' outdoor gas grill, can keep the place neater than some other sites, who shall remain nameless. Again, sorry!

ps - note to prospective authors: avoid parenthtical remarks(no matter how relevant).

You're not going anywhere when your browser isn't recognizing its own homepage. I feel like a subject in a Pavlov experiment, trained to inflict wounds on myself whenever I see those images.

The spam link has been updated with the det5.com guys as well as removing addresses which I have been told have expired. But you're still on there, Potato.

Well I'm asking around about good movies to watch for a group I'm in, and I'm getting a lot of good stuff. I think I am going to be emptying my pockets at the video store desk this Friday afternoon ... thanks to everyone that gave me ideas. Going to be busy [sitting in front of the TV] this summer. If you have any ideas, post 'em on the message board. No gratuitous violence or nudity please, this is for a conservative crowd. And arguably a much more innocent crowd than you corrupted gorillas.

Speaking of emptying my pockets: I'm looking at putting up another (yes, another) ad banner so I can make some money off this page. Selling out? Maybe. But I figure if I'm putting this much work into things and I can make a quick buck off it, why not, right? I can get 20¢ for each person who clicks on the ad banner and loads up the sponsor's site every 24 hours. $10 every 50 hits, check mailed out each Friday. What I need to know is ... would you click on the banner if it was there? Would you take 30 seconds at most out of your day to load up the page in the background while you read what I posted on the Citadel? Because getting an income from this means more regular updates, and more time spent on the site. If this project could provide a steady income, why shouldn't I take advantage of it? It's not like I'm lazy or anything. I've tried finding a job. It's just that it's hard for a Herma-Scout Nazi Prek to find a job nowadays, that's all. Especially summer employment, no Sundays. This however, would give me some money for college, 24/7 and it's taking advantage of an environment that I love working in. Plus it would give me a good answer to that oh-so-scathing parent comment, "quit wasting your time on that! What do you have to show for it after all this work?"

If it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself more than I'm trying to convince you, you're pretty perceptive.

The reason I mention this is that it would entail having 2 ad banners if I was to stay with a major hosting service. Would that bother you? Or does that sort of thing just not get noticed? Would you click on it once a day? Please, please post your feedback on the message board or send me an email. That, by the way, is my real email, as the Quake2fortress account is being difficult. Use [email protected] until further notice. And try to make it a little more meaningful than the last time I asked for feedback.

Speaking of Quake2fortress giving me trouble, this site was down all day Monday and a big chunk of Tuesday. I must say this really SUCKS. Why should I get hosted on some big service, put their ad banner up, and bring massive amounts of traffic to their host, just so I can bang my head on sharp corners in frustration when I can't load the webpage and when vital email gets deleted? Yes, I actually checked email on ICQ, booted up Eudora, but couldn't log in. Reconnected, still wouldn't respond. Restarted, and it worked -- but by that time THERE WAS NO MAIL ON THE SERVER. It was gone, and it was very, very important. At this point all I can say is moving here was a huge mistake. What's coming next had better be a helluva lot better than what I have now. I mean, downtimes of 24 hours or more every other week? It's inexcusable for a major hosting service. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

I'm starting to think it's a conspiracy. Every time traffic on the message board starts to pick up, I get kicked real hard in the bahootie and the site goes down. When I really REALLY need email, it goes down. Dammit, this is worse than my car!

I've had offers from smaller hosting services that don't require ad banners. I'm inclined to take it over some of the bigger ones for that reason, but I just don't know. Why does this stuff have to be so hard?

I had a nice juicy rant, but losing that email got me all flustered. Where the hell is Fluffy anyway? Haven't heard a sqeak from him since May 43rd ...

Sorry for the lack of interesting commentary in today's update. This stuff is hanging over my head and I had to get it out in the open. Back to your regularly scheduled madness tomorrow, assuming the site isn't belly up again.

That update was typed on Monday afternoon. It's 12:30 on Tuesday and I'm ready to throttle the next person that comes within arm's reach. My ISP will not resolve domains (or whatever the hell the term is) so I cannot connect to ANY website, ANYWHERE. I can connect to ICQ and I can send email (the non-q2f account, of course). ISP tech support does not reply to my emails. Website has been down for a day and a half. It worked briefly this morning but FTP did not. I have heard nothing from anyone at GA Games or q2f. I am at my wit's end; you can blame them if my brain melts and this page becomes the biggest pile of dingo retchings you've ever seen.

It's now 4:15 on Tuesday and I just got notification from Phreakin that a) he knows just as little, if not less, than I do; and b) that quake2fortress might be down for quite a while yet. Currently he is working on getting us an account at PlanetQuake. If you're reading this, most likely it's at http://www.planetquake.com/citadel. This is temporary, so don't carve that bookmark in stone, that is, if you even bother trying to keep track of the several moves that I'm going to have to go through in the next couple of days. Thanks for nothing, GA.

4:50 p.m. Tuesday: GREAT NEWS! Olaf[BH] told me why I couldn't browse the web: my browser expired. What's nuts is, the thing said NOTHING about expiring; it simply gave me the dialog box at the top of the page over and over again. I am NOT stupid. It said nothing about expiring. Ever. It never crossed my mind. It should have tipped me off that I could only connect to the Netscape homepage, but it didn't. It took the TECHNICAL GENIUS of OLAF[BH] to take care of poor little Baby M. ISP couldn't figure it out, but after about 15 seconds Olaf had that puppy NAILED! Long live the Ingenious Icelander! Now I'm going to watch my teeny little connection pull down that 8 MB lifesaver with rapturous joy. Later.

6:15. I am pissed. I installed 4.05, boot it up, and discover that it's written over ALL my old bookmarks. It doesn't make much of a difference to me, because I have all the TF sites memorized anyway, but my father had a huge number of business and stock related bookmarks that just went out the window. What's more is, my browser still is not letting me access websites, and has been crashing more than usual. Somebody shoot me please

6: 26: I figured out the problem. If you have Netscape 4.05 and GetRight 3.2, and have GetRight monitor mouse clicks, there's a problem. It might not happen with other peoples' systems but I disabled click monitoring and everything works perfect now. So, I'm right back where I started.

Well it's noon on Wednesday and quake2fortress is still down, so my good friend Mythias obliged with the server space. (Speech speech speech! that means I want thee to update!). I have only uploaded the necessary parts, e.g. the news page and front graphics. The message board still works however (always did). I am just simply tired of waiting, and Phreakin hasn't showed his face today so I thought I'd take matters into my own hands.

Working on a new host, thanks for your patience. Glad that spam list finally came in handy, anyway.

As you can see I doctored up the sidebar a bit. I got rid of the extra sections that were no longer being used (archived rants, which has been obsolete for oh, three months now, and the teamscore server listing). Now I've succeeded in making this site look kind of silly in 1024x768, with scrollbars at 800x600 and if it got any bigger in 640x480 ... well, it just couldn't get any bigger. It looks horrid in that res, but then I'm sure most everything else does too so it won't affect you that much.

This is the last change I'm going to make on my own. If it looks bad in your resolution and it bothers you, make it look nicer for me. Because I just don't care any more. This compatibilty crap is giving me a headache.

If you read the message board, you'd know by know that I discovered a TF player (rather, he discovered me) right here in my own home town. Though there are others living here in Kansas City, this guy is pretty darned close. Hmm, how about starting our own TFP-Con? Yeah Kansas is much more interesting than Oklahoma! Plus we already have two people right here! It's [TsB] Belgand, by the way.

Anyway he wanted to mention something, and I obliged (since he could just look me up and egg my house if I didn't). Currently he is working on a project called The Farm, which, if you didn't know, is where all the CIA agents are trained. Wow, Tom Clancy really does learn you something! He's basically running a spy workshop. Here's what he had to say:

I'm weak aren't I? You read it on all the other news pages, I don't know why I posted it (other than because of Belgand's death threats).

Oh dang! Well, I guess I'm still OK. He said no cops, so technically there's still no problem ...

Obviously I passed the GED. The cops outside kept giving me dirty, menacing looks, and trying to distract me by coughing really loud and obnoxiously, having conversations with other guards, squeaking their shoes on the floor, and putting the muzzle of their service pistol on the back of my head, cocking it, and saying, "bang, you're dead" in a deadpan, Bill Clinton voice. (Just picture that in your mind.) I managed to finish on time, though.

You know what I think is really funny? People who tout their shows as "totally live, unrehearsed, and adlibbed." They try to make it sound like it's harder to do a show that way. Every single RA show that I know of (well, the amateur ones anyway) are done with little or no rehearsal. While some are better at it than others, nothing beats a well thought out show that is released less frequently than someone who cranks them out every day but just sits there and exhales into the microphone. It's like falling down. There's no effort there. Gravity just pulls you down. Same way with how some people do RA shows -- you spread yourself too thin, especially when there's not much there to begin with, and you've got a piece of Saran-wrap for a repertoire.

Well, last night I was up until 1 a.m. screwing around online, and mom comes down, taps me on the shoulder, and gives me the lecture. I woke up this morning and found that the cord had been taken for ransom again. Well, after confronting the parents ("Nick, we just want you to have other interests. Maybe go out to a movie once in a while. Why don't you help out around the house more?"). Even though things ended with a Moriarty Family War® I managed to make myself look like a martyr and I peacefully went downstairs and started plinking around on the piano. Fifteen minutes later, Sister comes downstairs bearing the white flag of parley. She says, "Mom and Dad will give you the power cord if you take some friends out to a movie."

There must have been a good reason for both Kinlord and Gudlyf to be offline at the same time...

Today is an early update. "Why," you may ask, "is Moriarty up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning?" The answer, while puzzling, is that I have to go take the GED. Contrary to popular opinion, GED does not stand for "Graduation Equivalency Diploma" or "General Education Development" (I've heard it both ways...who knows). GED, in fact, stands for German Emigration and Deportation. This was a test written in the early 1940s in order to assess the possibility of German nationals living in the US who faked their backgrounds in order to fit in with the population, and possibly undermine national security. However, the majority of the candidates had such strange German names that the records department was unable to keep track of one particular name (you try making sure "Heïmler Zuttenbargenfroëth" is spelled correctly on all those government forms) and the whole system fell into shambles. The test was not destroyed but merely archived in the Fort Knox of documents. After we developed computers that were capable of handling such data (as a matter of fact, the original purpose of the computer was to handle this sort of record-keeping -- the word "computer" is derived from the German word, kehmpüther, meaning "hard to spell"), the test was reinstated. In a system crash around 1978 the real GED records were switched with those of the German test and therefore the records processing was done for the wrong tests. Stupid people were deported and Germans that managed to hide their nationality were sent diplomas in the mail. Of course, being a highly intelligent people, they thought it was a US bureaucratic screw-up (which it was) and threw the diplomas away.

Only recently has this come to light on various local conservative radio shows; you know, the ones that always host guests that urge listeners to stock up food for when the troopers are going to storm your house at 3 a.m., slaughter you in front of your children, and steal your socks, so they can recover the stolen microfiche that a Chinese spy dumped in a textile mill 20 years ago in order to avoid capture?

So anyway, this might be my last update. If I pass the test, then I'll be fine, but if I cannot manage to conceal my German heritage, I will be deported to The Fatherland (which in itself isn't a bad thing, but I'm not quite ready to go yet).

I was sitting on ICQ last night, twiddling my thumbs, and out of the blue, I get this:

Well, this really doesn't apply to anything you people care about, but it seems he had been browsing on his friends computer and checking out peoples' ICQ info. Since Kinlord, Phat Dragon, and pretty much everyone else labeled me as a Nazi, I had put "Nazi" as my state and "Germany" as my country, as a joke (the key word there is "joke"). Well, he caught it and let loose on me. It was followed up by:

Well obviously things had gotten a little out of hand. It probably didn't help the situation when I gave him a ribbing over calling me a southerner ("everything south of Maryland is a Southern state," according to the Massachusetts crowd!).

So, just to let you all know, I am a victim of my associates. I have no responsibility for posting that information, it was a product of their deriding insults and putdowns. It was as if their malice had been channeled through me and vented its wrath upon this poor, unsuspecting Jewish New England resident.

(And just so you know, I'm not a Nazi / Nazi sympathizer either. Am I going to have to qualify all my statements from now on?)

This brings me to another point. Seeing how stereotypes really stick out in the online community, and how much I'd like to dispel any and all such stereotypes, I'd like to SMACK THOSE ARROGANT AUSTRALIANS DOWN. If I hear one more Aussie slug scream "HEY TF was made in Australia, so you Americans shutup and let us tell you how it's done!" I swear on my dead parakeet's used cage lining that I will BRAIN them right then and there. 99.999% of Australians had as little to do with the creation or success of TF as I had to do with the success of Quake (which, Phat Dragon, was made in Dallas, TX). "Well golly you only live 8 hours away by car, surely you had SOME influence!" Nope. "Well what about Matt? He lived in the same CITY for crying out loud!" Sorry Charlie, no luck there. Unfortunately our technology, while more advanced than the rest of the world's (boom, another stereotype smacks you on the nose), has not progressed to the point where we can influence other members of society merely by THINKING. THAT SORT OF THING JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN!

I have nothing against Australians in general, other than being way to easy to make fun of. It just gets to me when the stupid ones shout.

If anyone brings this topic up again, I will do sick and twisted things to myself in protest.

[Fluffy] Ok. Like most of the rest of the TF community, I am anxiously awaiting TF2. For me it's primarily because by then I should actually be able to play, but that's neither here nor there. I have also been working under the assumption that TF2 will be just like TF, only cooler. However, Billings' post go me to thinking. Here's what he said: "More likely than not, Half-Life will be awful. Quakeworld set an impossible-to-meet precedent for superb netplay. How can Half-Life compete? A simple answer: it can't. Half-Life is destined to be the worst game ever made for the PC platform, surpassing such great titles of awfulness as Battlecruiser 3000AD. Yes, Half-Life is a piece of crap." This got me to thinking. After I was done thinking, I decided that, now that I was an officially-sanctioned reporter of the TF community (think Wolf Blitzer with a silly yellow hat & a railgun), I should investigate these wild accusations. Or at least pretend I did and play it up for big laffs.

The Fluffy Report

with your host, Fluffy

Good evening, America. As you may know, soon Valve software will release Halflife, a 3D computer game that promises to take the nation by storm. I went undercover to find out what makes this company tick, and let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty picture. First of all, since I don't know anyone at Valve, I decided to talk to someone who did. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone like that, either. So I called an old friend of mine, Ed, who used to know the bass player for the band Verve. I figured it would be close enough. Here's the interview:

Fluffy: Hi Ed.

Ed: Hi Fluff.

Fluff: So. Ummm ... heard anything about halflife?

Ed: Halflife? Isn't that, like, something about nucular [editors note: he actually said nucular, not nuclear] bombs or something?

Fluff: Umm ... no .. it's like a 3D game for computers that dorks like me play.

Ed: Oh ... no, but, like, I heard once that if, like, there was a nucular [ed: See?!? He did it again!] war, that we'd all be, like, screwed and that there'd be, like, these mutant dudes all over the place like fully pillaging stuff.

Fluff: Hmmm ... interesting. Pillaging, you say?

Ed: Fully.

Fluff: Fascinating. How do you feel about that?

Ed: What are you doing?

Fluff: I'm touching your arm reassuringly, like Barbara Walters does.

Ed: Dude, like don't touch me, ok? Like, I need my personal space.

Fluff: Sorry. So. Like I was saying, how do you feel about those mutants?

Ed: I dunno ... maybe they'd be cool ... like, maybe they'd be like partyin' mutants or something! Whoa! That'd be wicked ...

Fluff: Partyin', you say?

Ed: YEAH!! Like they'd pillage stuff then go down to the beach and, like, TOTALLY RAGE, like all night. That'd be sweet!!

Fluff: ... uh ...

Ed: YEAH!! And there'd be like mutant babes, and like they'd all be like totally hot! It'd be TOTALLY cool!

Fluff: Ermmm ... ah ... ok, Ed, I think that'll about wrap up the interview ...

Ed: YEAH!! Then they'd all get like totally baked and ... interview?

Fluff: Umm ... gotta go, Ed. See ya later.

Ed: aiight, dude. Later. Say hey to Cindy for me.

Fluff: I don't know anyone named Ci... Right. You got it, bud. See ya.

Ed: Later, dude.

There you have it ladies & gentlemen. HalfLife: possibly the end of civilization as we know it. Certainly far worse than Billings would have ever guessed. What was once thought to be a harmless video game has now been exposed as a mortal threat to mankind. It starts out as an innocent game, and rapidly escalates to a full-blown nuclear holocaust, ending in horrid mutants consuming illicit narcotics and engaging in immoral premarital group sex on the beaches of our fair country. This has been Fluffy for the Citadel News Servce, signing off.

While this is as close as I could come to giving Kinlord the quote of the day ... it doesn't sound like him, does it?

If any of you are familiar with the poet and author Samuel Johnson (the "great, uncouth, Falstaffian figure" of the eighteenth century), you'll know how much the general English population (and Johnson in particular) hated the Scottish. Johnson's great work is his Dictionary, in which he reveals some of his obvious bias against the Scottish -- bias which I find very applicable in my situation. His definition of oats: "a grain which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people."

What's ironic is that Johnson's biographer, James Boswell, was himself Scottish. When first meeting Johnson, Boswell (obviously not knowing he was to write the biography many years later) tried to hide his nationality in order to get to know the man. However, it leaked out, and when the rather small-statured Scot (I'm not kidding here) said, jokingly, "Mr. Johnson, I do indeed come from Scotland, but I cannot help it," Johnson replied, "That, sir, I find, is what a great many of your countrymen cannot help."

As you can see I managed to pick up a spare power cable and sneak on tonight (if you don't read the message board -- well, parents hid the power cable so I couldn't use the computer at all, and I went to the library this morning in order to browse the web and let everyone know what was going on, because I thought it would be much worse than this). What a pain in the butt ... why don't you try convincing your mum to take you up to Best Buy so you can "browse the appliances?" Not to mention stuffing the damned thing down my shirt. No, I didn't steal it.

I don't feel guilty 'bout sneaking on, since I'm getting a lot done with the computer shut off, but it came so unexpectedly I'm having trouble leaving things until I get back. Just to clarify:

So, that's all fixed. Again, don't get the wrong impression here. I'm not so desperate for increased traffic that I would try for pity-hits. You'd think if I was doing it that way I could make things a little more credible, such as telling the real story in one single post instead of tacking something as major as a break-in onto another one ...

Anyway I had something written up from Wednesday night, and even though I'm not sure if it still applies, I spent a lot of time on it and I'll post it anyway.

I'm going to temporarily forsake my brevity resolution because I have a lot to talk about today. Namely, Clan TF and some of the arguments for the tweaking of the hwguy.

Let's start with Clan TF 3.0. There are several obvious problems that are presented, such as borderline pirating of the TF name with no permission from the creators, justified by a disclaimer totally distancing themselves from TFS; or maybe the fact that the clans involved in creating this mod gave little or no input on the TFBFP board (including most members of GT, SK, and IC). What I find ironic is that the original impetus behind this was that TF 2.8 created too many changes (specifically the more powerful concussion) and that clans would have to drastically reevaluate their strategies. If you go to the Clan TF page, read the list of changes made. It sounds more like Mega TF or Deadlode than merely a return to uncheatable versions of TF 2.7 grenades, etc. Freeze grenades? Battle axe? Sentries affected by concussions? Medic with unlimited healing kits? Playing hockey with frozen players? Perhaps my impression that Clan TF was merely a "conservative" version of 2.8.2 is incorrect. It seems like the Clan TF creators are adding more confusion, instead of eliminating it. In the words of another, "Magic TF."

In addition, contrary to the page, Clan TF was not programmed from TF 2.7. The source for 2.7 was never released. It was made from a reconstruction of the 2.7 code by Golliwog (spooner at the UKFN). While he no doubt did a fine job of the reconstruction, there's no telling how perfect it really is, or whether all the changes incorporated in the 2.5-2.7 upgrade were able to be discovered in any way other than viewing the source itself. In reality, Clan TF is written on the 2.5 code.

Though many additions seem forced or illogical, some are excellent. Take, for instance, the change of the nail grenade from shooting nails to a hitscan type weapon (no projectile is displayed, has the travel speed of a shotgun blast, only the nail hitting the wall is seen by the player). Still same effect, but eliminates a lot of lag and entities. Another is the napalm grenade -- the explosions follow the grenade itself, instead of hanging midair where the grenade went off. I'm a little biased on this one as the "hanging napalm" is probably the #1 sentry killer known to man. I like several of the things that were added; for example, the spy broadcasting death messages, a redone status bar (including dispenser health for engineers), and a couple other ideas. The mod has integrated many of the ideas mentioned on the TFBFP board, ideas which have merit but that have been discarded by the official team for some reason or another.

But my real concern here is yet another division of the masses. With each branching off, it's less and less likely to find similar servers out there. Currently, we have original TF, Mega TF, Deadlode, Clan TF, and then servers which have not included the fixes to return QW 2.21 to the 2.1 defaults (which will be fixed in 2.8.3 however). For a guy like me, it's not much of a problem -- but the point is, there is a huge amount of people that enjoy TF as it is. I am one of them. There were issues raised when TF 2.1 came out, when 2.5 came out, and when 2.6 came out. They were much bigger issues than the ones currently under debate. Did each of them spawn a new version of TF? No. People learned to deal with the changes, and eventually liked them. Now we're creating whole new versions because of the concussion grenade? Gudlyf was very right in his rant. It's ludicrous to take this to the extreme. Personally, I like the concussion grenade, possibly even more than the original one. I liked it from the very beginning, never said a word against it. It is my impression that it has now worked its way into peoples good opinions and is no longer held as the game-wrecker it once was. If you can't "put up" with how much "damage" is being done, go find another mod. But please don't bust up ours.

Believe it or not, I'm now hearing rumors that TFS is purposely wrecking the game through the TFBFP and using Gudlyf as a scapegoat. Apparently some people believe that they are attempting to pull down TF's popularity in order to draw a greater crowd to TF2, thus making more money. What I find funny about this is a) Clan TF is the solution to their destructive efforts, and b) they don't seem to realize what happened to the last guy that tried starting ugly rumors about the Team Fortress bug project.

And anyway, a mod with DarthVeda on the team isn't going to get me very enthused.

Proposed improvements and tweaks to the hwguy have occupied the TFBFP board for some time now. I agree with many, I disagree with many. Basically, I'm agreeing with whoever had the last word. Heh. But I think my attitude can be summed up in a brief post by >V< SPEEDenator in response to [AF]PowerFang, who is quoted in the first paragraph:

Let me rephrase myself: my attitude is similar to both opinions. I do think a hwguy should be flexible; the double-barreled shotgun is a useful weapon in certain situations. The AC is by no means an all-around weapon. However, when players forsake this supposedly powerful minigun, in favor of a much smaller and slower firing gun, I think some things need to be worked out. Currently the hwguy is the best he has been in a long time, but he won't be perfect (in my opinion) until he's got a beefier cannon.

All things aside, I would not be totally against leaving him as he is. He bounces much much less, (check out this demo, 75K, for a comparison of hwguy bounce to soldier and demo bounce), is immune to concussions, and has the capability to wreak some havoc. I never played hwguy previous to the 2.8.2 changes, and I am seeing him more and more in a favorable light as well as playing him more often (and enjoying it). There are a lot of solutions being proposed, from small tweaks to major changes to the class code. But from what I hear, TFS isn't having any of it.

Here ends today's commentary, brought to you by the Citadel's sponsors, Laziness® and Procrastination®. I have an interesting deal going on with these underwriters. Instead of paying me money for hardware upgrades, better HTML editing software (though I don't know if you can get much better than HoTMetaL), and just having my name associated with the company, they merely suck the life out of me; after they can extract no more willpower from my emaciated, bug-eyed, bone-white body, they will move on and find another host. Quite a deal if you ask me.

I'd like to start with the customary compliment (concise topic sentence). For quite some time now, the games on the TF 2.8.2 test server have been excellent. Just tonight I had a rip-roaring good time with some friends and the Scottish Scrooge (relates the time and setting -- and was Scrooge Scottish? He said "bah" a lot, so maybe). All other players were peaceful and friendly, with some great teamwork and communication (supporting detail). Thankfully Kinlord and I were able to avoid each other, and spoke to each other only when necessary and in deriding undertones (completely fictional detail tossed in to lend the story credibility). At any rate I think it is a testament to the fine work done by the TFBFP team. Gameplay is fast and enjoyable, and there is almost always a game going on any hour of the day or night. Best wishes to the guys working on the project, and expect some cookies in the mail soon (concluding sentence wraps up all thoughts in the paragraph; parts with a compliment and a humorous comment to keep the reader's attention and bring them back for more).

Well, that wasn't so hard now, was it? You'd be amazed how easy it is to totally redefine your writing style just by glancing through your sister's ninth grade composition textbook and following some simple instructions. They truly do make writing easy!

While I'm dishing out the compliments (transition, hyperbole to grip the reader with suspense), I would like to provide a link to The Resupply Station (hosted by the Citadel's own Mythias). 357Mag is kicking out some excellent updates, as well as being my weapon of choice in a shootout with a starving, bloodthirsty grave robber that wants my mother's jewelry, carrying nothing more than a blowgun and ... erm, sorry. [note to self: when proofreading, delete previous sentence] Staying on topic is harder than I thought (conversational interjection to express frustration)! At any rate (transition to return to subject at hand), Mr. Mag (nickname to express brotherhood or friendship) has been providing some great entertainment lately, I highly recommend this little gem (metaphorical praise). Don't forget to read the Top Ten List (transition to bring up my own Top Ten List)!

Speaking of Top Ten Lists, they seem to intrigue me somewhat lately. How about another one?

10 reasons why J.S. Bach would suck at Team Fortress

Yet another Top Ten List has been dropped on the unsuspecting public. Hope you enjoy it (transparently insincere wish for reader's welfare)!

A-ha! I feel the need, the need for more nonsense (stupid pun on that retarded Top Gun line)!

Just one topic jump, please? Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please don't make me keep going on like this it's like torture oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please just let me break off!

I have this really nasty bug bite in the worst possible spot on my foot. Argh it's driving me nuts!

I can't stand it any more just let me change the subject it's too much I'm going to pass out oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please have mercy you cruel inhuman twit I just want to have a little fun just let me oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please

If only I would realize right now that this is being recorded for posterity, and my children will use this for blackmail material in order to get the new car of their choice ... but I will forsake my future for those few chances to bring one extra reader to the page.

You have a nice day, and see you later (phrase identified by Freud to indicate repressed sexuality, any number of psychoses, male pattern baldness, homicidal tendencies, lack of a suitable "parting shot", and German heritage, used in this context to give the reader a good, friendly feeling after leaving the page).

*Toccata and Fugue in D Minor BWV 565, or "Die auf ihn hochbegabte
eine Deren" (The BA DA DAAAAA Song)

Our first topic for the day? Moriarty. In particular, his 10-ton updates. I swear, I had my browser over to the left of the screen, and I loaded up the Citadel and, my hand to God, my monitor tipped over. I am currently seeking legal advise as to how I can sucessfully sue him for monitor whiplash and psychological trauma from the clan lawyer, Endiku. Of course, if any of y'all read the AR message board not too way back when, you'll know Endi ain't exactly a stranger to long-windedness himself. In fact, I'll give Moriarty the same advise I give to anyone who seems to suffer from the inability to stop writing: Mori: type 'noendikumode 1' in console. Hmmmm ... ok, I think that's enough inside jokes for one day, eh? Anyhoo, it ain't like Mori's updates don't just bust me up every time, so Fluffy sez: leave 'em be!

"Yes, yes, Fluffy," I hear you say, "we all love Moriarty with the burning, white-hot passion that was formerly reserved for Valerie Bertinelli until she shacked up with that Van Halen loser and pissed her whole life away, and we all dig his updates the most, even if they do make our eyes ooze caustic goo when we try to read all of 'em at a single sitting, but what of the second topic of the day?" Well, friend, here at The Citadel it is our pledge to you to always follow up non-TF-related posts with on-topic, timely information that will help you (yes, you) in your day-to-day life, information that, while undeniably useful & fascinating, must never be used as a substitute for your traditional form of worship or prayer. So, with that in mind, we now launch into the second topic of the day: Stuff to do if you're Fluffy and you're stuck in LA with no friends and no TF. Step One: Go to work. Step two: Stay there. For a really long time. Step three: Realize that they're not paying you overtime, 'cause you're on salary, dammit. Step Four: Leave quickly, before you do more work for free. Roam around outside aimlessly. Step five: Realize that you have nothing better to do, and go back to work to write angry bitter things about yr life that people might laugh at. Step Five: Nap.

Fluffy makes TWO UPDATES to this page, and one of 'em gets posted on the Newswire. The world just isn't fair. Mind if I commit suicide now?

I wonder what Montaigne would say if I asked him how talking nonsense all the time (solemnly, mind you) fits into his little equation.

I'm going to talk to Mythias about his server. Most of the people I know ping it at about 300-400 ... when it's empty. For some reason I think that is they key to why no one's ever there. It is being run on a P166 simultaneously with 2 other servers, being clan arena and deathmatch. They are usually empty as well. You'd think a guy working at an ISP with almost 8 T1s could manage to put the servers on a machine with a nice hookup, or at least multiple machines. Not your fault Mythias, but I think it's just taking up bandwidth. Boo!

If you noticed that the library has been updated, don't get your hopes up. I deleted a story (at the author's request), and I thought leaving April up as the "last updated" date would not look nice. So now I can go a few more months without touching that section of the page. *whew*

But today's main topic of discussion will be a bit more sedentary. In a nutshell, I'm going to explore what's wrong with what I'm doing. Judging by the traffic this site receives, and how in my opinion the traffic has peaked, I think that a review of what this page is all about would be wise. I think you know what the first subject will be.

I admit it. In real life, I'm not a talker by any means. Chatting on the phone, or knowing that someone, somwhere, is chatting on the phone, bothers me. Idle talk is in my opinion a waste of time. I'd much rather be messing around on the computer (perhaps that's my problem). But I get online, and I boot up the HTML editor, and it's like I can't stop. It starts with a trickle, and then after a little grease on the floodgate hinges, I have brain-diarrhea of the highest order. I do believe it is a problem. A teacher would not accept anything near what I write for a school paper, even if it was a 5-page essay demonstrating how not to write for a webpage. True, there are people who like long updates. Usually they're either confined to the rocking chair, or not going to school full time. Where does that leave me? With a limited audience. It is even more limited considering what kind of people make up the TF scene -- and although it is my opinion that the average TF player has the proportional intelligence to other mod players / deathmatchers that Germans have to Scotsmen, it's still not up to par with, say the national average. To me, that means that if I expect the site to stay fresh and likeable, I'm going to have to appeal to a different group of people while still keeping the interest of the loyal readers (there must be several of you). That doesn't mean dumbing down my content (if it wasn't dumb enough in the first place), but packaging it differently.

I like what I'm doing. I enjoy spitting up whatever's on my mind for people. Essentially, you have a direct link to what goes on in my brain (with the appropriate self-induced censors, of course). It's easier that way for me -- I really don't put much thought into what I say, as it just comes out. However, I'm happy with the type of person the site has attracted, and surprised that it attracted anyone at all. But I don't think I can continue without at least asking myself what I could do better. What comes to my mind (and what would come to your mind if I had the courtesy to ask you) would be that I'm turning people away with gigantic updates. Let's face it, I'm having trouble getting some of my closer friends (who do play TF) to read the page because of the large amount of time it requires to absorb the material.

See, I'm doing it now! It's taken me about six inches of 12 pt type on a 1024x768 screen to tell you that I take too long to say things!

So, my first resolution is to put more thought into what I say, keep things concise but still get my point across, and to shutup when it's --

Second topic is the type of TF player that would find this page entertaining. To be frank, it's the guys on my contact list or the message board posters that are having the most fun (or I'm having the most fun because of them). There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not writing the page for just them. There are arguably too many private jokes on the page -- jokes which are accesible to anyone, but (again) they can't or won't because of time. If I get 100 hits in a day, 10 of those went on to the message board. I even pulled a MB joke in this very review (the German / Scotsman intelligence ratio). Look at a site like Zug or the Onion. Anyone can instantly load up their page and start laughing. Here, however, there is an appeal to a very specific crowd, even a subset within that crowd, and a subset which enjoys Moriartian humor. One out of fifty of my real life friends read this page. Why? Because the things that are written about have nothing to do with them. Most of them get nauseated watching me play Quake (from the motion, not the gore). Maybe I should try when they're not consuming inordinately large amounts of grain distillates.

When I say a subset within the Quake community, this site appeals to the long-time TF player. Even if you were familiar with Quake and TF in general, the content of the page is still not immediately accessible. You're going to have to read the page daily for a few days, weeks, or months before you realize you like it, or before you get acclimated to a type of humor which may not be similar to yours. What are the chances of that happening? Pretty slim. It's the reason why there aren't many new readers, I think.

Second resolution? Make the content accesible to anyone, or at least anyone within the Quake and TF communities.

Two simple resolutions, ones which will hopefully help to make the page a little better. Will it threaten the current style of the page, or my "artistic integrity?" Hell no. All these resolutions mean is that I'm going to put a little more thought into what I write. Try staying on topic a little more. Maybe do some proofreading (gasp). Most likely, you won't notice much of a change, but the changes will make a difference to the one who matters most -- me. I'm not sure why I bring this subject up at all, other than that I think it's an important issue that I, personally, need to address. I reap the work I put into the page, and to date, it has been a relatively meager harvest.

As I spot more problems, I will bring them up with you, the readers. I'm sure little Fluffy will have something to say about it, no? Currently these are the two biggest problems that I need to take care of (at least in my eyes). Rest assured they will be remedied. Starting tomorrow.

On a lighter note, go see the Truman Show, and start an argument about it in the Town Hall.

Maybe I just won't bother to change the date from now on. It's soo much easier than having to move the mouse over the little clock in the corner of the screen. DAMN I hate that. You can tell if the page has been updated or not by whether or not the quote has been changed. Make you think a bit.

As usual, if I run out of material, there's always a backup. You guessed it, Kinlord. Today's beef (sheep?) with the Scottish Shrimp is the ICQ habits. I would like to proclaim far and wide that Kinlord is the most spiteful, nasty person on the internet I have met to date. And you know what? I think this explains the height problem. If any of you read Roald Dahl's The Twits when you were younger, then maybe you'll understand what I'm talking about. Mrs. Twit was a nice looking young girl, but as she grew older she thought ugly thoughts (mostly about her husband). The more she thought ugly thoughts, the uglier she became. Finally she had no rival in all of England -- she could shrivel a toad with a glance. Her jaw projected forward, her teeth shot almost straight out, warts grew on her face like age spots on Bundy, and her skin was about as soft and supple as Keith Richards'. This is exactly what has happened with Kinlord. After constantly thinking little thoughts of others, especially thinking it "beneath him" to perform small tasks which most people would consider common courtesy, those sort of things became less and less a stooping for him, and more and more a "reaching for the cabinet" type of thing. A punishment decreed by God to remedy his foul disposition, you might say. However its effects are not visible as of yet. Who knows, maybe he was really an incomprable jerk before. What I don't understand is how can he look down on people psychologically when he's got a prime view of the inside of their nose...?

The story is very appropriate in another way because Mr. Twit is a prankster, and loves to cause his wife grief. His crowning achievement was convincing Mrs. Twit had the "shrinks." Every night he would put a small disc the thickness of a penny on the bottom of his wife's cane. Gradually Mrs. Twit noticed that the cane was coming higher and higher up on her body. Mr. Twit brought this up to her one day, and revealed his prognosis of the shrinks. She was so shaken that she sat down in the nearest chair. Mr. Twit bellowed, "See! Look how short you are! Your legs are dangling in the air!" And so they were. Mr. Twit had been keen enough to do the same thing to the chair as he did to the cane. Mrs. Twit was utterly convinced that she was shrinking. It was then that Mr. Twit came up with a really nasty idea to "fix" Mrs. Twit's problem.

There is something else, though. My old, old friend SliM (creator of the SliMpak which we all loved before the model checksumming came to be), has some great ideas for TF. Namely, changing some of the original models, skins, and sounds from the original Team Fortress. I think that for many, many members of the community, these changes would be welcome. There are some things about the original TF sounds and models which just bug me; for instance, the sniper / sentry sounds and the tranq gun model. Though I have not seen the new models and skins, I think that at least considering changing some of the "official" components of the game would be a neat addition to the latest TF release. Maybe it's a bad idea, giving people a reason to leave TF other than the conc; but perhaps a setinfo string could be set to allow old or new models client side. At any rate it's an idea to be considered.

The new Scour.net client is out, version 2.5. Better features, some things are fixed that seemed obviously missing in the latest versions.

And for those who can't seem to figure out who the "mystery updater" is, I reference you here. Note the words, "it is I, the Fluffy One." The updater is Fluffy >X< and his email is now on the sidebar along Mythias' and I. (Mythias is still an updater, just not a regular one.)

My number one biggest peeve in the world, ever, bar none, is radio announcers that do not give song titles after a song is done, or give them before playing the song. IDIOTS! What the hell are you playing songs on the radio for? I don't care if you're a punk hard rock little teenage jerkoff or a snobby classical station announcer, but DAMMIT give me the song title you inconsiderate, incompetent jerk! Female announcers always give me the title. They care. Guys are just pathetic when it comes to that. I ought to just call you up and tell you to screw off because you are torturing me in a manner that only a radio announcer can. It is worse to hear a song I really like, and not know what it is (thus torturing myself by fighting the losing battle of trying to keep the tune in my head and singing it for family and friends) than it is not to hear it at all. If you're not going to tell me, leave it off. This is driving me to insanity. I might drive up to the radio station with spoons taped all over my body, dip myself in mashed potatoes, and jerk body parts to throw goop all over their studio. I just might.

Speaking of spoons, I noticed something very creepy on my way home tonight. On the reflective diamond which marks the median in the road which leads to my house, somebody had taken black magic marker and drawn a spoon on the sign. The caption was "spoon!!" It then had an arrow -- get this -- pointing in the direction to my house. I am not making this up! This really got me wondering, as not many (or none) of my friends ever read this page. (Over their heads right Stephen? This is a test to see if you're really reading ... I will quiz you in person so you can't check the page as I ask you.) At any rate, it was too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence, if you know what I mean.

Now in order not to appear inferior to der fluffinator I will have to do a top ten list of my own. Here goes:

Top Ten Reasons why Town4 should suck, but doesn't

I'm just thinking that #7 is going to give Clan Braveheart a really nasty decal idea. And if old Karl wanted to really make #1 useful, you could kill the beggars, collect the petty change thrown in their cups, and then when you get enough you could go buy your team some armor or something. Or maybe just rob the martial arts store next to the ATM. Have the clerk's nametag say "Matt." Now there's an idea.

You may be wondering how I managed to type this obscenely huge update while claiming I have nothing to talk about. The truth is, after I finish one update I start on the next that same day, and just type as I go. Don't think I sit here and spit this stuff out all at once. It's the product of several hours of daydreaming along with no food, boredom, lack of sleep, and MP3s blaring in the background. I'm still marveling at how huge this thing is.

Well, since I got no helpful (or even vaugely concerned) messages about the firewall I'm stuck behind (helloooo!! Can anyone hear me? Hey! Is this thing on?), I've resigned meself to life without TF. Until next semester, at least, when I move North to Canada to take advantage of their naive, trusting, one might even go so far to say child-like, ways. I fully intend to work that university over so thoroughly in search of bandwidth that the Dean won't be able to get his email for days, cuz I'll be usin' up all the packets! (insert hysterical laughter here) ... *Ahem* ... sorry ... got a little carried away ... Anyhoo, I'm feeling much better now that I've had a few weeks to go through the severest of the withdrawls (the shakes, fever, w00ping cough) and I've compliled a little list of the surest signs that every day, in every way, I'm getting a little better:

Top Ten ways you can tell you're getting over your TF addiction

10) You can hold up a conversation while walking down the street, since you are no longer concerned with scouting out the best sniper positions.
9) Non-Quake playing humans can now actually reach you by phone.
8) At weddings, you no longer spin around whenever a guy in a tux is behind you. You now realize that he is most likely not a spy.
7) Eyes no longer chafed from resting them on the monitor for prolonged periods.
6) You no longer feel guilty for lying to people when you tell them that you bought the 3D accelerated 300Mhz P2 for work, cuz you actually did a little work on it a few days ago. The fact that all you did was type a letter in wordPad seems irrelevant.
5) You have no opinion on the new conc.
4) Two words: Free time.
3) You've finally given up on trying to RJ in real life, and are now content with a pogo stick.
2) "Must love TF more than life itself" is no longer on your 'desired qualities in a mate' list.
1) Your dreams still all take place in 2fort4, but instead of visions of glorious battle, there's a desk in the respawn and you're stuck doing paperwork.

Well, there's my hackneyed expresssion of the month. But you do have good reason to fear. Because now there are two of us.

The Library has not been updated in over a month -- those of you who have begun stories, what's the deal? Send me one or two chapters and then drop it? At least I didn't drop mine until after six. Lazy bums. That doesn't mean I'm not working on it, just that the fiction is not flowing from my fingers like it once did. Getting old, getting old.

After two days of delayed and canceled flights, Sister Bear is back in the good old US of A. Everyone say "bye-bye" to peace and quiet, right along with those terribly refreshing half-hour morning showers ... She's been sleeping for almost sixteen hours straight, should I go dip her thumbs in a cup of warm water? eww. Welcome home.

TF 2.8 is coming along wonderfully. I like every single one of the changes, and look forward to seeing others. The conc is perfect now, and the hwguy is close to his former glory. I'm sure that the latest version is nowhere near completion and there will still be changes made, but as of now things are excellent on the beta test server. It's refreshing to see things progressing in this way.

Apparently the Half-Life chat was a success, though unfortunately I was unable to attend. It seems like things are only going to get better from now on; from the looks of it, Half-Life is halfway out the birth canal. The Valve employees formerly known as Team Fortress Software, Ltd. are stretching their wings, with the duct tape around their wrists cut off and the oily rag removed from their mouths. Things are looking up, at least for those of us whose days are not numbered ... expect me to mention that once per update if not more. I'm experiencing self-pity on an unimagined magnitude.

I was notified of an editorial by Gudlyf which was posted on the TFBFP board by several people. I think this is necessary reading, though I don't know why the goon didn't just post it on the main page. In its entirety:

First of all, I would like to correct (or inform, or remind) Gudlyf that there are a lot more people out there who like what he and TFS have done with Team Fortress that there appear to be. The only reason you aren't hearing from us -- yes, I'm one of them, granted with a farther reaching voice than some -- is because that board for the most part is being used for grievances. People who don't have a problem with what TF is turning into don't go there, because they aren't incited to riot by atrocious gameplay and having their game swept out from under them, if you catch my drift. As usual, the "good guys" are the silent majority, at least from this corner. I have no doubt that TF is still the most popular Quake mod. Whether it will remain that way remains to be seen; but I do know that if the changes to TF were as earth-shaking as many claim them to be, there wouldn't be guys out there on the servers, still fragging away with a vengeance.

If I'm sounding a little smug here, it's because I am. I'm wanting to just say something like "chin up, you can't please everyone," but I haven't endured the hate mail, vicious personal attacks, and overall immature behavior on the behalf of what is largely an immature online community. It's very understandable that you and the rest of the volunteers are burned out on what seems to be a thankless and overwhelming job. Perhaps you feel you have been betrayed, or lead on, or something else. I'm not trying to turn this into a sob session but I think you catch my drift -- though we may not come right out and say it, we stand behind you, and we enjoy your work.

This is something that needs to be fixed. There are message boards, use them! Voice your support for what you like. Don't just assume that the bug fixers know you like what they're doing. They need feedback, and unfortunately, it's only the people that hate the new conc with a vengeance that are speaking up. Outdo them. Come on, follow this link and go to the TFBFP board to tell the 2.8 programmers what you think of their work. You have no excuse. Type as little or as much as you like, but every word counts. Be active in your community, and let people know you care.

Eeek! It is I, the Fluffy One, of whom Moriarty was speaking of as the new updater ... No, no, please, no applause, please, sit down ... you're all far too kind ... I am here strictly to provide goofiness, comic relief and color commentary to Moriarty's already colorful comments. In fact, if things get any more colorful we may be forced to move out of the visible spectrum and start using infrared and ultraviolet colors, forcing all of you to buy new monitors and bionic-eye-implant-thingies. In keeping with the style of this site, there will be none of the weird IRC lingo everyone else seems to enjoy so much; there will be no h4x0ring, fux0ring, ph33ring, r0xoring or sux0ring; neither shall anything be l33t nor said to 'own'. Note that while my updates may indeed sux0r, they shall not be designated as such. Occaisionally, things may become b0rked, and we shall use that term as the sole concession to you kids and your crazy hipster lingo.

Now then. With the preliminaries out of the way, let us move on to the pressing matters at hand:

Issue #1 (or 'a'): Firewalls. What the hell is the deal with these things? Who did I kill in a past life to deserve to get stuck behind one? And for God's sake, why won't anyone help me get out from behind it???

Issue #2 (or 'b'): Moriarty. In particular, his vaugely surreal updates. For instance, he says: "...I could tell you about the strange and cryptic letter I received in the mail yesterday, and followed up on today..." yet he elects to keep us in the dark. Why? I can only speculate that he gets some sort of perverse thrill out of withholding humourous anecdotes. Lord knows he's been witholding lots of it lately ... =P

Issue #3 (or 'c'): The Message board. Hermaphrodites? Nazis? Kilt-wearing lizards? Huh? Whuzza?? Is this some weird new side-effect of the new conc grenade?? What is with you people??

First off some news -- Someone ditched Redrum for obvious reasons. Glad to see he has some sense. Not to say the guy isn't loyal, but finally recognized a bad thing when he saw it. I didn't want to see the site name changed to "Some ... make-you-retch pr0n." He has updated his comic as well. Go visit or something, since you are pretty much guaranteed reading material you don't have to have previewed.

I haven't really been around much so I'm sort of at a loss for things to type. I could tell you about the strange and cryptic letter I received in the mail yesterday, and followed up on today; or the posts that have been made on the Town Hall (who gave you permission to bring it back to life, you cheeky little Kinlord clones?); or maybe the current round of "waaaaaaaaahhhhhh"s from the regular crowd on the usual subjects. There's just so much, but at the same time, there's so little. I'm like some comic that's been doing a six-month tour, using up all his good material and skimming the rest off HBO in the hotel room, and finally is wondering what he's going to do at the next show. I mean, I'm checking foreign news sites, for crying out loud.

I'm working on getting another updater but he's having [computer] problems. You probably have no idea (actually, definitely) who it is, but let's just say he has been quoted on previous incarnations of this page. That should be obscure enough.

It's turning into keeg.com here. Yikes. I think that site has been given some sort of blessing / curse. I think if you're wanting some major real-life problems or activities, just become an updater on keeg.com, and pretty soon you'll either be working your tail off for Silicon Graphics or moving or having people offer you money in IRC since you were kicked out of your house in Pennsylvania by your wife and are now living in California with only a few sets of clothes, 3 hard drives, some Ramen noodles, and a contract with TFS to your name.

Citadel archives are now current. The May archive was topped off around 167K. Yeow. I think most of that was all the font tags I've been using -- I think at one time the date was surrounded by something like sixteen sets of font tags. Duh. WYSIWYG is definitely not WYSIHBTFI (what you see is how big the file is). Geez I have to go to bed.

Update on the Bundy story: HellFace was beaten around for over three hours with a rubber hose and then had his thumb and pinky on each hand removed with a spatula, but refused to reveal the identity of "Mori." Mrs. Bundy had one of those little hand held fans with the styrofoam blades held up against her arm for a good six seconds, and was then released.

These past couple days I have been doing my best not to ramble off on a bunch of non-sequitur topics (I typed that without blinking an eye). Well, finally I get to release all this pent-up commentary upon the unsuspecting readers. You came here expecting a nice, concise, topical post, weren't you? Fool! It's especially bad today because I just kept the editor open as I browsed through two or three days of news. Let the floodgates be opened!

Well I guess I will start off with a compliment, since that seems to be my style nowadays. Again, props to DieHard (and his partner in crime, UnHuman) for doing the first "dual" broadcast (that's the term they used, it just doesn't sound right to me for some reason). I was having problems staying connected to quake2fortress so I haven't been able to hear the whole show, but if those two get really good at it there's going to be some really cool stuff going on. Personally, I think the whole show was worth it just to hear DieHard trail off ... start mumbling, then silence ... keys tapping ... then, "Oh ... I seemed to have lost my ... train of thought ... " Oh man, that was great. But it seems the two little announcer wannabes have some chemistry, and I predict things will really start picking up with the show.

Well I started a little controversy of my own. Redrum responded to my post regarding the demented stuff he puts up on Someone's TF.

That's the thing. I do like the site (or, did). I have laughed very hard reading it. Someone's comic strip was a crank. Mr. Gay Scout? I couldn't stop laughing! If I didn't like it, I would not have spotted that rank obscenity posted front and center. Posting that kind of stuff pisses me off royally. When people have to resort to doing that, I lose respect. Maybe I was incorrect in giving your type of humor any attention, but what the hell, if it makes me laugh then I'll read it. I'm sorry, but when I see something I do or do not like, I tell people. That's the whole purpose of this site, which I think you understand since I assume you're a reader.

It appears you took offense at my taking offense. In which case I won't come back, and we'll both be happy.

The whole point of a review is to examine a site's good and bad points, take them as a whole, and say in a general statment whether the site is good or bad based on the tastes of the reviewer. In my case, I was not objective, because I was not taking the review seriously. Would you prefer I take apart the site and give you a detailed rundown of everything I like and don't like about Someone's TF, and then proclaim my viewpoint far and wide? I would be glad to. But I stress that it was not the purpose of the original review.

I guess I was expecting a different reaction. I thought that you'd like the inane "praise" I gave you, since you seem to do your utmost to make yourself look like some sort of sicko. I can see no other rationale for posting something like that. Again, maybe I'm wrong. Sorry if I was. Maybe he has a heart after all, eh folks?

But the core of the matter is, when you have a webpage, you are set up as a role model for a lot of people. You cannot take that responsibility lightly. I'm sure you wouldn't mind being held responsible for raising a generation of little kids addicted to disgusting material, but unfortunately, the rest of the world has a problem with that sort of thing. Though it is not my belief for the real world, I do think that what you do privately on the internet is your business and no other. When you take it to the public realm, where anybody can see it, then it's wrong. Call it censorship if you want, I call it decency. I would like to see how the current advocates of total free speech on the net would have turned out if they grew up on what kids are growing up on today. It's a whole different world than it was fifteen or twenty years ago.

And then he posts a nasty little picture just for me! How thoughtful. Bugger off, you, even though I know you did it just to get on my nerves. So, what do I conclude with? Someone has a funny page, do what makes people laugh. I do wonder at the reasons why page has reached as high a hit count as it has, perhaps we are underestimating the younger TF group? I'd wager that there are a lot more little mini-perverts out there than I could ever imagine. Whether the page has remained popular through attracting that age group or a larger spectrum of players, I'll never know. But I do know that you and whoever gave you that kind of stuff have some problems that need to be dealt with, and soon.

I just get in the weirdest moods sometimes. I'm sitting here having conversations with three different people, and every single time they send me a message I pass out in tears of laughter. I mean, stuff I wouldn't laugh at normally gets me started, and then they send some of the most hilarious stuff I ever read on the internet, and I can hardly breathe. A lot of witty people on my list, thank goodness.

I'd like to tell anyone who as ever marvelled at the ability of a message board / Usenet / webpage poster to insult at will, please take a moment and stop by the TF Newswire BBS to read Curt's latest post. Curt was the biggest bad boy around, ever. I mean, he's great. The insults would fly from his fingers, and let me tell you, they sting. It's great fun, go check it out at the TF Newswire (too lazy to dig up the link to the MB).

That little story about being on ICQ just confirmed my theories as to who Curt really is. Hi there. Didn't I just talk to you yesterday morning?

Anyway, the schedule I posted a little while ago has been beaten to shreds. Yesterday morning I hopped on just as I woke up (around 10 o'clock) and what do I find but my parents sneak up behind me and give me what for (verbally). Cord gets yanked out of the wall, vital components are removed and hidden, I run to my room sobbing. I managed to sweet talk them into letting me on last night, as they need me to do the backups. Hey, I take what I can get...

So, you guys like me uploading the next day's update the night before? At least now you can totally ignore my datestamps as they mean absolutely nothing.

As I was reading the latest issue of the Shoe Salesman Semi-Semesterly I glanced over the obituary section, and to my horror, I found the following:

How tragic. A member of our community, dead like a doornail. I wonder if they'll ever figure out who that "Mo" character is, though ...

Please, a moment of silence for our deceased friend, Bundy. May he rest in peace.

Well, I'm outta here. I have to ... uh ... go bathe the iguana. Here's something funny so you can get your mind off that "death" thing. And by the way, Smuckers peanut butter definitely does not suck. Barring the great taste and consistency, I think the above story alone should demonstrate its usefulness in disposing of lingering and useless peanut butter addicts, however.

GA Games, Quake2fortress's host, has been down for almost a day for an upgrade. Normally I would not mind this, but unfortunately this is the second or third time where GA Games has decided to pull this while giving zero warning to the hosted sites. Then when I ask how long it will be down, I get a brusque "when it's finished." That's service with a smile, no? All I ask is a little courtesy. Of course, I'm just a whiny little prick that doesn't understand what goes into maintaining a hosting service, but all the same, I have to do my job just like they have to do theirs. Sorry for the inconvenience, readers. Maybe all of us on GA Games could just find another host, and then they wouldn't be bothered by those little punks that bring them revenue, right?

Today I would like to cover the so-called changes to the TF 2.8 code. For some reason people are thinking that the code has been changed, or weakened, or somehow modified to affect the targeting and firing of the sentry gun. Let me assure you that this is not the case. If you don't believe me, go check the TFBFP message board. It is a widely known and long held fact that the removal of a spy's disguise is somewhat delayed after firing a weapon or using the Gatter. This does not always happen, but it is a factor in determining how long the sentry takes to "lock on" to an enemy player.

Furthermore, someone mentioned that the sentry was created to be an instant-fire machine, and that if it does not fulfill that role, it is useless. I disagree here. The sentry never was instant-fire -- at least not all the time. The whole purpose of the sentry is absolute precision targeting. A sentry gun never misses with bullets. If there is a delay involved, all that means is it gives the enemy a small chance of destroying the gun. If creating an indestructable and lightning-quick sentry is what you want, then I suggest you go talk to some other mod maker; suffice to say, neither TFS nor the TF community desires such a sentry gun, and such a gun was never intended.

Hopefully people will drop their moot complaints about 2.8 and focus on the real issues. Good luck getting that to happen -- there are still people blaming 2.8 for the changes in gravity. Then they'll piss and moan when the next one comes out for not changing it. Morons.

I'm working on signing on another laborer to help on the Citadel. If all goes as planned (i.e. the assimilation material and shock collar arrives in the mail on time) there will be two gentlemen updating this site. Soon we will have a Judy!

Since you have yet to read yesterday's update, I will keep this one short. Hopefully I get this uploaded before Tuesday.

Top Ten Real Life Events I would've Liked to have Seenin Various TF Players' Lives

Top Ten Reasons Scotland Never Became a World Power

10 reasons why J.S. Bach would suck at Team Fortress

Top Ten Reasons why Town4 should suck, but doesn't

Top Ten ways you can tell you're getting over your TF addiction

Top Ten Real Life Events I would've Liked to have Seen
in Various TF Players' Lives