New Doom story (I will keep you updated)

[RL Clown]

I'm writing a Doom story (this is kinda like a TV show). Obviously, I do not support these acts of violence. I am a peaceful person. I'm only writing these things for the simple purpose of creativity. If you don't understand what I'm saying, just follow along... You'll get the hang of it...

===

OPENING:

Doom gets a phone call from his boss. His boss tells him that he must come down to the lab because this is an emergency. An experiment has gone wrong and some monsters are trying to break out of their cages. Doom says that he'll be there in a hurry. Right after he hangs up the phone, a ninja attacks him from behind!

[To be continued]

[RL Clown]

While Doom is lying on the floor, the ninja puts his boot on Doom's neck. But Doom appears to be stronger than the ninja. Doom trips the Ninja, punches him, and slams his back onto the floor. He puts the ninja in a submission hold. He takes off the ninja's mask. He sees a bearded man with brown eyes and brown hair. Doom yells at the ninja, "Who are you!? Why are you here!? Who do you work for!?" The ninja does not answer. Instead, he unleashes a poisonous gas and runs away. Doom is slowly recovering from the gas. Doom wants to hunt down the ninja, but he remembers the phone call from his boss. He runs towards his pick-up truck and starts driving to the lab.

[To be continued]

[Adam]

I realise that the original Doom protagonist isn't named, so as to immerse the player more and thus take on the role, but how do you feel about maybe giving your character a name?
Doom makes him sound like one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which is fine, if that is what you are going for.

An excerpt form The Doom Wiki:

Other products that extend the Doom franchise do provide a name for the main character. The Doom novels roughly based on the classic games give the marine the name of Flynn Taggart. This name was re-used in the famous Call of Duty series, where the main character was just called "Taggart" for short. In the Doom movie, the name of the protagonist is John Grimm, nicknamed Reaper. Another game from id Software, Quake 3, includes a playable character named Doom that is presented as an incarnation of the so-called Doomguy (as well as a female version named Crash). In Doom II RPG the playable marine character is named Stan Blazkowicz, who is a descendent of William "B.J." Blazkowicz of Wolfenstein 3D. John Kane is the marine of the Doom 3 novels (and perhaps not coincidentally, the protagonist of Quake 4 is named Matthew Kane).

[MadGypsy]

I mean no disrespect but, I would like to suggest that you take some creative writing courses. You are flying through the story with no mention of your surroundings, no dialogue, nothing to actually immerse you in the story. I don't want to hijack your thread but, here is a bit of a rewrite of a portion of your first paragraph, as an example. I am also going to rename your character cause "Doom" is just weird. I'm not going to give this a whole lot of effort, it's just an example.

---

Sunday, March 22nd 3021

Charles stares out of the window into a stormy fog, swirling the last ounce of his rusty nail in a dirty rock glass, attempting to ignore the incessant ring of the phone. He knows who it is. He's done this all before. After the last time he told himself that he was done but, he can feel the warrior in him building with the intrusion of every ring. "Open the line." he barks to the computer. "Charles? Charles are you there?" the tinny voice from the speakers inquires....

---

Mine isn't very good either but, you should get the point. I'm painting a picture that the reader can see in their mind. It's all about details when you write a story. I want to resay that I'm not trying to be rude or mean to you. I'm trying to help you write a better story.

I'm also under the impression that you are just writing out-of-the-blue. You should write the story in its most basic sense then ellaborate, then ellaborate again. From there you should be able to write detailed chapters based on your ellaborated guideline. I've done what you are trying to do and it is very hard.

After you have read this if you would like it to be removed (so it doesn't junk up your story) just say so and I will delete it.

[RL Clown]

I appreciate the suggestions from you folks. Thanks. I will use the name Flynn and Doom interchangeably. As for details, it's not a bad suggestion. But I was never big on details. I prefer to get to the point right away. I'm writing for a first-person shooter audience. I assume that they like things to be done quickly (they want me to get to the point right away). This is all very subjective though (they're all just opinions). Human beings have different preferences.

TO CONTINUE THE STORY:

Doom arrives at the lab. The boss tells him to quickly put on his armor and to grab a shotgun. The monsters open fire; Doom and his boss run towards a counter and duck for cover. The boss uses his cell phone to call in the reinforcements. Daniel, Richard, and Maria are lab technicians but they have also served in the military. They run towards the counter. Then they pull out their rocket launchers and plasma guns and start shooting at the monsters. After several fired missiles and a lot of exhaustion, the human beings have won the battle. Some of the monsters have been fragged, but not all of them. The surviving monsters have escaped. Flynn and his boss are thinking to themselves that they need to call in the army (because these monsters reproduce at a very fast pace). Maria has two children and she is worried about the kids in general. What would happen if these monsters broke into some schools?

[To be continued]

[ezzetabi]

Also the style is fairly strange. It is like you do not connect sentences at all and you just put a full stop and continue.

As example:
"While Doom is lying on the floor, the ninja puts his boot on Doom's neck. But Doom appears to be stronger than the ninja. Doom trips the Ninja,[...]"
I mean, sure, Doom is the hero. But you should be more descriptive of someone who actually survive an assassin attack from the back!

Try to be more fluent, read few pages of any novel book. Usually there is connection between sentences that is different than just a full stop; but your writing is difficult to read as it sounds unnatural.

[MadGypsy]

I have to agree that I'm having a hard time reading this. To say that you aren't much for details is like saying you don't like to write... :/

ezzetabi has a good point with using a novel as an example of how to write. You could read one chapter of any good book which falls in your genre and probably upgrade your skills a lot. It's all well and good to have your own style but, people that read stories are going to expect some writing fundamentals. Use ShadowSwift as an example; he was/is writing for the same audience as you. He took great care to write pretty solid material with lots of imagery and detail, and his story was very popular. Deciding that people want rapid-fire sentences with no real imagery just because they like fast paced games was probably a serious miscalculation on your part. You can use the fact that EVERY reply to your thread is critique of your writing as a big sign.

I'm seriously not trying to be a dickhead. It's no secret that you enjoy creative writing but, if this is really your passion you should make an effort to become better, instead of trying to convince your audience that this is just your style and we should like it cause you think so.

It's like my thirsty map thread where pros like g_b are telling me why my map is not DM but I just keep adding all these anti-DM elements. If I would have finished that map, nobody would have liked it as DM cause I decided to go completely against the fundamentals that people expect of a good DM map. Your story is no different. Well, actually your story is a lil different. My map was bad DM but it still possessed qualities of a good map. You are attempting to completely redefine the structure of a good story. You wont succeed in this, no one would in this way. Almost like you are trying to build a map out of vertexes alone and screw the faces/edges. Nobody is trying to run around in see-thru dot land for very long.

Notice my imagery, and I'm not even writing a story.

[ezzetabi]

Of course we do not want to appear dickheads, think we are using our time to give you suggestion how to improve. It would be much easier to simply say: "oh dear, this story is unreadable crap. Let's ignore this thread"

Remember the infamous DOOM: Repercussions of Evil? Even that story could be re-written nicely. Here.

So, do not waste your idea. But try to improve.

[MadGypsy]

It would be much easier to simply say: "oh dear, this story is unreadable crap. Let's ignore this thread"

You nailed it. I'd go as far as to say that my intentions are to help RL avoid the reality of that by attempting to give him strong examples of why he needs to upgrade his style. Cause let's face it, at this rate, that's exactly what is going to happen (re: "oh dear, this story is unreadable crap. Let's ignore this thread")

[RL Clown]

I think that your feed-backs are really good. Improvement is definitely an essential part of life. However, I do think that some people are over-analyzing my story. The whole point of this story is to have a good time. Forget about the stress of the day. I've read summaries from Spiderman and Transformers and these summaries are not very descriptive. Still, I actually enjoyed these readings. They highlighted the important points (character evolution, significant battles, just to name a few things.) I think that Doom is more of a comic book than a novel.

CONTINUATION OF STORY:

Flynn and company hear a desperate cry for help. They run down the hallways and they find Debra, one of the lab technicians sitting on the floor with a wound on her left leg. They ask her what happened and they learn that she accidentally pushed the wrong button. She pushed the gamma ray radiation button instead of the ultraviolet radiation button. All of a sudden, there was an explosion. Something fell onto her left leg. Immediately after that, something fell onto her head and everything went black. Debra apologizes for her mistake. Doom and company forgive her; they understand that no one is perfect. It was only an accident. But the Boss whispers to Flynn that there may have been some other factors... For example, maybe there was an error in computer programming. Or maybe there was an error in the calculations (maybe someone added too much sodium bicarbonate). Whatever the case may be, they must put this issue aside for now. Time is running out; they must call in the military. In addition, they need to air a special news report (Warning: Some monsters are on the loose!)

[To be continued]

[ezzetabi]

I think that Doom is more of a comic book than a novel.

Oh, I know that! I really like it the story is almost poetry.


Btw, your story reads already better!

[RL Clown]

The scene changes from the lab to a news report (I apologize if I'm not using the correct terminology. But hopefully you will understand my idea.) A news reporter announces that 30 monsters are on the loose (although this is an estimation.) It's important to note that these monsters reproduce very quickly, so one would expect the number to increase. People have been evacuated from schools, hospitals, places that have high populations. People have been told to stay inside their homes and to lock their doors. If the people see any monsters, they must call the police immediately. If they are armed, they could try to frag the monsters themselves (but this is not recommended). The monsters are extremely powerful and they have some highly remarkable abilities (by common sense, it'll take an army to bring them down). The scene moves back to the lab. Doom and company are listening to General Steve Sanders. General Sanders tells them that the human forces are going to divide their units. This means that Doom, Maria, and some soldiers are going to hunt for monsters in one neighborhood. Daniel, Richard, and company are going to hunt for monsters in another neighborhood. Everyone understands the plan... Flynn says, "Let's do this! Let's frag their butts!"

[To be continued]

[RL Clown]

The scene changes from the lab to Parker neighborhood... Doom, Maria, and some soldiers use their MDD (Monster Detection Device); they discover that 5 monsters have broken into an apartment. To be specific, there are two shotgun guys, two imps, and one demon. Doom says that he'll go in by himself, but he needs Maria and the soldiers to wait for him outside. Maria and the soldiers are going to be his back-up. If he needs any help, Flynn will yell out the magic words. The magic words are, "Look at the dragon!" Maria and the soldiers give Doom the signal that they understand their instructions. Doom walks into the apartment. He uses an elevator to get to floor number 4. Doom steps out of the elevator. He sees a shotgun guy and reacts very quickly. He fires two shells into the chest of the shotgun guy. He fires one shell into the mid-section of the other shotgun guy. He runs towards them; he takes both of their heads. Flynn smashes both of their heads together ("the meeting of the minds"). Doom finishes them off with his chaingun. Suddenly, an imp blasts Doom away with a fire-ball. The other imp uses its claws to attack Doom. Doom is obviously hurt, but he's been in this type of situation before. Doom never backs down to a challenge. He punches the imp and blasts the imp in the chest with his shotgun. He dodges two fire-balls from the other imp. The two imps end up blasting each other (thanks to Doom's agility). Doom uses his rocket launcher to finish off the two imps. The demon runs towards Flynn. Flynn takes out his chainsaw and shows the demon how dangerous and scary a human being can be! Because of Doom, the demon's heart is no longer working. Doom walks out of the apartment and says, "Mission accomplished!" Maria and the soldiers start clapping. Still, Maria expresses a small sign of concern... Maria says, "I wonder how Daniel and Richard are doing..."

[To be continued]

[RL Clown]

The scene changes from Parker neighborhood to River neighborhood... Daniel expresses his boredom. He, Richard, and some troops have been patrolling the neighborhood for 30 minutes and there is no action so far (not a single monster in sight). Daniel says that he's getting nothing from the MDD. Richard says, "Wait a second. Give me the MDD... No wonder you're not getting any signals! The batteries are no longer working!" Richard changes the batteries. Daniel, Richard, and the troops receive an alarming call... There are two Barons of Hell in a nearby restaurant. Daniel and Richard run into the restaurant with two rocket launchers. The duel is intense. For a few minutes, neither side is making any major gains. But afterwards, Daniel and Richard appear to have their asses handed to them. They admit that they need some help, because their aims are not very good. Daniel and Richard are overwhelmed by the big green plasma balls fired by the Barons of Hell. The troops come to their aid; the troops add more firepower. So many rockets are fired; even the moon endures a rocking effect! Daniel, Richard, and the troops win the battle but they are extremely severely injured. They need medical attention immediately.

[To be continued]

[RL Clown]

The scene changes from River neighborhood to Parker neighborhood... Maria gets a text on her cell phone. After having read the message, Maria, Doom, and the soldiers are relieved to see that the doctors are on their way... The doctors are going to give Daniel, Richard, and company some medical assistance. Maria, Doom, and the soldiers continue walking down Milk Street. The MDD hasn't picked up any new signals. While walking, Maria and Doom go off-topic and they get involved in a conversation (it's only human nature to go off-topic from time to time). Doom knows that Maria has two children; he compliments her. Doom doesn't have any children for now, but he expects to have some kids in the future. In Doom's point of view, parenting is a major responsibility. Maria thanks him for his kind words; she thinks that it's a gift to have children. No doubt, there are times when her children can get on her nerves. But overall, having children is a wonderful experience, in Maria's opinion. She says that she learns so much about herself from taking care of her children and watching them grow. After the conversation, Doom and Maria crack up a few jokes. Obviously, times are very serious at this point. But it is human nature to laugh every once in a while. Human beings are not going to let some monsters take away their sense of humor. Afterwards, Flynn and Maria talk about vacation destinations (Europe, South America, Africa, Asia). Suddenly, the ringtone on Flynn's cell phone is playing some music... Doom answers the call. The Boss says, "Hey Flynn, this is a very important issue. It can't wait. I'm not kidding when I say this..."

[To be continued]